(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)
At 19 weeks, trusty Emma’s Diary says that my baby is 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250g). So that’s slightly bigger than the rulers you take to school in your little pencil cases and heavier than the amount of flour you use to make 12 fairy cakes…that’s how I think of it anyway! No reference to fruit again, which is sad.
Still haven’t felt any movement, but my friend and cousin-in-law are reassuring me that they hadn’t either at my stage, so trying not to get to worked up about it. I know that it’s nothing to worry about, but i just feel jealous of all the mum-to-be’s on the forums I go on that have felt theirs now. I want to feel mine! Mainly because I’ve been having these horrible nightmares about going for a scan and the nurse telling me my baby’s died. I know it sounds really morbid and horrible, but I can’t help it, I wake up crying my eyes out until I manage to exhaust myself back to sleep.
It doesn’t help that me and Paul have broken up either. It was difficult, but we had this huge argument last Wednesday (not long after I posted the 18 weeks pregnant one, typically). We’ve been at our limits for ages. I don’t know what’s happened but it just all feels different, we can’t go any space of time without rubbing each other up the wrong way. Maybe we’re just not ready to play happy families. None of this was planned. But I’d choose my baby over a relationship any day. So that’s that. We didn’t speak for most of the week but started again recently. Trying to be civil. I still love him, I always will. But everything’s different…
All I know is that I’m not moving anymore. Even if we do end up getting together, I’m staying in my town with my family. I need my mum and sisters, I can’t bear to move to a different place and do it all alone. He says I won’t be alone because his family are there, but that’s not the point. If he wants us to be a family, he can move here. I’m putting my foot down. I need support that I can’t get if I move. He might say I’m being selfish, but I need it.
But I’m happy in myself, I’m counting down the days till I find out if I’m having a little boy or a little girl! And when I feel him/her moving, I know it’ll be an amazing moment.
Fingers crossed next time I write I’ll be feeling something!