19 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

At 19 weeks, trusty Emma’s Diary says that my baby is 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250g). So that’s slightly bigger than the rulers you take to school in your little pencil cases and heavier than the amount of flour you use to make 12 fairy cakes…that’s how I think of it anyway! No reference to fruit again, which is sad.

Still haven’t felt any movement, but my friend and cousin-in-law are reassuring me that they hadn’t either at my stage, so trying not to get to worked up about it. I know that it’s nothing to worry about, but i just feel jealous of all the mum-to-be’s on the forums I go on that have felt theirs now. I want to feel mine! Mainly because I’ve been having these horrible nightmares about going for a scan and the nurse telling me my baby’s died. I know it sounds really morbid and horrible, but I can’t help it, I wake up crying my eyes out until I manage to exhaust myself back to sleep.

It doesn’t help that me and Paul have broken up either. It was difficult, but we had this huge argument last Wednesday (not long after I posted the 18 weeks pregnant one, typically). We’ve been at our limits for ages. I don’t know what’s happened but it just all feels different, we can’t go any space of time without rubbing each other up the wrong way. Maybe we’re just not ready to play happy families. None of this was planned. But I’d choose my baby over a relationship any day. So that’s that. We didn’t speak for most of the week but started again recently. Trying to be civil. I still love him, I always will. But everything’s different…

All I know is that I’m not moving anymore. Even if we do end up getting together, I’m staying in my town with my family. I need my mum and sisters, I can’t bear to move to a different place and do it all alone. He says I won’t be alone because his family are there, but that’s not the point. If he wants us to be a family, he can move here. I’m putting my foot down. I need support that I can’t get if I move. He might say I’m being selfish, but I need it.

But I’m happy in myself, I’m counting down the days till I find out if I’m having a little boy or a little girl! And when I feel him/her moving, I know it’ll be an amazing moment.

Fingers crossed next time I write I’ll be feeling something!

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18 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

My baby is now supposed to be 15cm (6inches) and weighs about 7oz (200g). No comparison to a fruit on Emma’s Diary this week, how sad. Apparently because the baby has so much room inside me it’s always swimming around and jumping and stuff, I still haven’t felt a thing though. However, I have a friend that’s 20 weeks pregnant, she says that she felt a kick the other day and it’s made her realise that all these little feelings that are similar to indigestion and gas were actually the baby…so maybe that’s the same with me!

I’m not sure what else I should say at this point. I was hoping to share this diary with my baby in the future, so I have to be careful. I wish I could see how everything is in a few years time. At the moment me and Paul are arguing almost everyday and it’s getting to the point where I don’t know if we should stay together. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I love him so much, I always have and probably always will, but I can’t cope like this for much longer, and I need to think about my baby before myself. Sometimes I just want to stay at home with my mum and do it alone…but the baby deserves a proper family…but is that still the case if the family is so dysfunctional?

I just feel so upset all the time. I have no idea what to do, or even what I want.

I barely even write anymore, used to be rare that I’d go a whole day without writing…but now I haven’t written a word for weeks. I’ve never felt so unlike myself. Then I start feeling guilty, I should be enjoying this, I should be thinking about my baby and smiling and excited. But all I can think about is how scared I am. About everything. I’m so weak.

17 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

17 weeks! It seems to have gone so fast but so slow at the same time. Emma’s Diary says my baby is about the size of a small melon (fruit again!), 5 inches (14cm) long from the top of his/her head to his/her bum, and if my baby could stretch out he/she would be about 9 inches (23cm) long! It’s hard to believe there’s something that big inside of me, especially when there’s no physical evidence of it yet.

This weeks been quite uneventful, which I’m pleased about. There’s been illness again but on and off and not really that bad. The worst thing is people. Don’t get me wrong, I love that everyone is getting involved and trying to help, but sometimes it’s just so overwhelming. Older women tell me “oh you shouldn’t be feeling sick anymore” as if that will magically cure me. I spend a lot of time just smiling politely and trying to hide my pregnancy hormones (if they took over I’d give them all a piece of my mind, but I know it would just be emotions speaking and wouldn’t be fair)

We have our next scan in 3 weeks! I’m more excited than nervous about this one. I can’t wait to find out if our little one is a boy or a girl, I really hope they can tell us, sometimes they can’t see it can they?

Still haven’t felt any movement. I googled it and apparently loads of women don’t feel anything this early either, so nothing to panic about.

I saw my midwife on Friday and there is a complication. I have rhesus negative blood, which could be bad for the baby. Now, I’m not going to try and explain it all because I barely understand it myself, but basically my blood cannot mix with the baby’s blood, as it’d be really harmful for both of us. As long as I’m careful, everything should be fine. My sister has it too, and her and Chloe are both fine.

16 Weeks Pregnant

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My little Midge is now the size of an avocado apparently! I have to admit I don’t even know what an avocado looks like let alone how big it is…but he/she is about 5 inches (12cm) long and weighs around 3.5 ounces (100g). Emma’s Diary says that the eyes and ears are now almost in the right places on Midge’s head and he/she has tiny little ears that can pick up sounds and hear what I’m saying!

Reading that makes me want to talk to my belly, but I feel a bit silly doing that if I’m honest. I don’t have a bump yet because there’s a bit of belly that needs to be overtaken by the baby. I can apparently start feeling the baby move now too. It says that most first time mothers won’t recognise the fluttering feelings as the baby moving around, but that in a few weeks time it’ll be much more obvious, so I’ve been really concentrating on that area trying to feel anything at all!

Mine and Paul’s money budgeting didn’t go amazingly well, we could live together but it would be tight every month, so we can’t decide what to do really. I want to be there sooner rather than later because I don’t want him to miss out on anything, I want to be with him when I can feel our baby moving and I want him to be a part of everything. I understand it’s different for him, because all these changes and feelings are just within me and he’s a bit left out, so I want him there to at least share the experience with me.

Luckily this week I’ve felt a lot better, less tired and a bit more lively. This part of the pregnancy is supposed to be the “feel good” bit, with glowing skin and beautiful hair, so fingers crossed I get that effect from it!

15 Weeks Pregnant

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So apparently little Midge is now the size of an orange! Why is it always a comparison with fruit? Strange. He/she is now over 4 inches (10cm) long and weighs around 2.5 ounces (75g). According to Emma’s Diary the baby is extremely active wriggling around inside me and spends a lot of time frowning and grimacing – just like I have this week!

They say after 12 weeks in the second trimester all the sickness should stop and you start really enjoying the pregnancy glow and stuff. Typically I am always different to the majority of people! This week has literally been hell. I’ve been so ill that I couldn’t even get out of bed, just raising my head made the world spin and I couldn’t keep any food down for 2 days! I was really worried about Midge, but Paul said it’s probably fine and the baby will be bobbing around all buff like Arnie from all the stuff it’s been stealing from me and making me sick. That made me feel a lot better actually.

When I started feeling a little better I managed to get to Paul’s for the weekend, it was his dad’s birthday so we all went for a meal. I’ve never really got to know his family very well, and I suppose now that we’re having a baby and starting our own family, I’m expected to. I’m incredibly socially awkward so I was naturally dreading it. But it was actually really nice, and Paul’s nephew (Midges cousin to be) is a scream. Even though he’s not particularly happy that they’ll be sharing grandparents after years of being spoilt rotten by them, which made me laugh.

Me and Paul are getting closer than ever too, which I love. I put up with his boring football at the weekend and he puts up with my love of Ant and Dec (even if he complains about the reflection on their foreheads). We’re seriously considering moving in together sooner rather than later, so that’s kind of exciting and scary at the same time. I suppose most couples are already living together when they have a baby…but who am I to be normal?

Just before I go, I suppose lots of pregnant women have feelings on whether it’s a boy or a girl, but I really do think Midge a boy! Whenever I go to talk about the baby I automatically say and think him or he. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but especially since 2 other people I know that are having babies know that they’re girls, I swear mine is a little baby boy!

“Midge” is the name I’ve unwittingly given to my unborn baby, not sure where it came from, but it’s stuck.