28 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

I’m into my 3rd Trimester! Can’t believe how fast it’s gone actually. According to Emma’s Diary, if Charlie is born now, it’s almost definite he will survive! I find it really hard to think of that as true, he’s so tiny still! I mean, I know 15 inches seems quite big, but even so! He should weigh about 1000g now too! In case you can’t picture that, it’s the amount of flour you need to bake 60 fairy cakes!

He now has eyelashes, he can breathe, and he can see light filtering in to him through my womb. It just seems like he’s a proper baby now, and all he needs to do for the next 12 weeks is grow and grow so he’s ready to meet us all in October.

Me and my mum were talking about the labour last night, and all the options I’ll have and what I’ll want. I think I’ll just see how I am when it happens, but I’m not really against anything. My sister says she doesn’t like women having epidurals because it’s like cheating. I think that’s ridiculous, how is it cheating to have less pain? That’s just science and progress! It’s common in America too, over there if you don’t have an epidural it’s really strange. The only think I’ve not really considered is using a birthing pool, it’s meant to ease the pain but I can’t imagine being comfortable in water like that.

I’ve got another midwife appointment tomorrow, same as before as far as I’m aware. I’m going to record Charlie’s heartbeat on my phone this time though so I can send it to Paul, since he won’t hear it at all. Then I need to book my Whooping Cough vaccine and on Monday I’m at the hospital for all my injections and blood tests and fun stuff. It’s my mums birthday on Tuesday so that’ll be a nice evening, going out for a meal with the family.

On another note, we got a puppy on Saturday! We called her Tessy and she’s the cutest thing ever! A tiny 7 week Jack Russell. I’ve been spending pretty much all day every day with her while everyone else works and has stuff to do, so we’ve bonded and she loves me. My mum jokes that she’s my little baby and no one else’s. I was a bit hesitant at first, getting a puppy a few months before I have a baby, but my stepdad says he can get her housetrained well before then, and Charlie will always be priority. Running around after her all day is good practice for when Charlie is here too! So that’s good. It’s been a nice week.

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27 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

Apparently not only can Charlie now blink his eyes, he can also “sniff out” my breast milk from other women’s breast milk! How is that possible from inside me anyway? And what is the use? It made me laugh, like at some point I’d try to trick him into drinking someone else’s milk and he’ll be like “this is unacceptable mother!” I still don’t know how I’ll be with breast feeding. At the moment I feel like I really want to try it and hope it goes alright, but I don’t think any of the women in my family have ever managed to do it. Not sure if it’s genetic or not.

Still feeling him moving around all the time, a bit more during the day too. It used to just be really early in the morning and late at night, but now he’s a bit more active around 2pm too. It’s funny how he’s got a little routine. Must be the times I’m most relaxed.

My cousin and his wife had their daughter! She looks beautiful and she’s nice and healthy. We’re going to see them next week at some point I think, which is exciting. I’m not sure how I’ll be though. I can imagine them passing her to me and everyone watching me, to see how I am with a baby, since I’ve not had much to do with one since my sister was born 15 years ago…so could be awkward.

Also, they’ve said that she had a really bad birth. Not sure what that means exactly, but it was 31 hours long and she refused any pictures to be taken for the first few days afterwards. Lots of things are making me nervous about the birth now.

Me and my mum have been watching a new show called Nine Months Later. The latest episode was about the first couple of weeks being home with a baby. It follows about 5 couples and we just see how it was for each of them, they all say the same thing really. That it’s amazing and wonderful but at the same time it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done and has really affected their entire lives, not always in a positive way. More nerves…

26 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

I heard his heartbeat! It was amazing! The midwife was pretty straightforward, we went over my session at the hospital next week (lots of blood tests!) and then she had me lie on the bed to listen to the heartbeat. She said “Now don’t worry if it takes me a while to find the heartbeat, that’s normal…” put the monitor on my belly and said “There it is!” straight away! It was really quick, like twice the speed of my own, and really clear and loud. Loved it.

Another first this week was that my mum and younger sister felt Charlie kicking! I feel him all the time, but on Sunday night I could feel him kicking my arm too so I told mum and she came and sat next to me with her hand on my stomach. It took a few minutes and we nearly gave up but then Charlie gave an almighty kick and she got all excited! So Emily came over too and felt him, she seems pretty shocked. So it’s been a pretty eventful week!

I got my first Healthy Start vouchers through today too. Because I’m on benefits I get ¬£3.10 a week for fruit, vegetables and milk (including baby formula). After Charlie is born, I get twice as much! Plus vouchers for vitamins. So it’s pretty good actually, I should be able to buy most of his formula with it. I’m very lucky!

The plan was to go and see Paul this weekend so he can hopefully feel kicking too, but we ended up having another argument so we’ll just wait and see how it goes. I hate that we argue all the time, and I’m not going to put all the details on here, but let’s just say the whole having a baby while being separated thing isn’t easy! We’ll be ok in the long run.

Fingers crossed.

25 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

I’m so glad that I’m feeling Charlie move more and more nowadays. It’s not little movements that make me question whether it could be him or just normal body feelings, it’s definite kicks and wriggles! According to Emma’s Diary, you might be able to hear his heartbeat now, if you put your ear against my stomach, haven’t tried it because I don’t like the idea of someone squashing their heads against me…maybe that’s just me being weird.

I’m getting more and more excited about what he’ll look like, what colour hair and eyes he’ll have, how big he’ll be…all of it! My usual dark and worrying dreams (I’m told it’s normal to have these dreams during pregnancy) have been swapped with lovely ones. The other morning I woke up smiling after a dream about just holding Charlie in my arms reading The Night Before Christmas poem to him. I can’t wait to dress him up as Santa and reindeer and a snowman and an elf! I love Christmas…can you tell?

My cousins wife was due on 5th of July and so far there’s no sign of her little girl coming any time soon! She’ll be induced on the 17th if nothing happens before then. So I worked out that if Charlie is late, I’d be induced on the 3rd of November (he’s due on 22nd of October). I really hope I don’t have to wait that long though, I’ve gotten used to the idea of him coming in October!

Me, my mum and my sister Cat took my niece Chloe to school today, she’s there for about an hour just to meet her new classmates and get used to the building for when she starts there in September. It got me and my mum talking about Charlie going to school and how I hope he’s not a chav and hope he doesn’t want a shaved head and things like that. My mum says I won’t be able to control what he wants or likes. I just hope the way I bring him up makes him less likely to become like some of the children round here. I will not have a chav for a son!

Not much else to say this week. I have my midwife appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be stuff about that next week! Hope I get to hear his heartbeat…

How NOT to be a social butterfly – a 5 step process

1. When I’m in a tricky social situation
trying to impress to get some attention,
I must remember that in conversation
honesty is important, not imagination!
I shouldn’t tell an elaborate story of fiction.
They won’t believe that I rule a nation.

2. When meeting new people I need the ability
to read their body language naturally.
I shouldn’t be paranoid or overreact entirely
when a gentleman places a hand on me.
It’s probably just them being quite friendly,
and their crotch should not meet my knee.

3. Every social interaction requires confidence
which is something gained with experience.
I really should try to learn the difference
between comfortable pauses and awkward silence.
Prolonged creepy eye contact after a sentence
isn’t the best way to have them enjoy my presence.

4. Being positive is another important thing
that needs to come as naturally as breathing.
If I’m invited to a party the following evening,
I should expect it to be fun and stop thinking
that a fire will start, an explosion is waiting,
people will die or end up hurt and bleeding.

5. It’s impossible to become a social butterfly
if you’re not being yourself, you cannot lie.
So all I need to do is be who I am and try
to find that group of people who can supply
the perfect audience to my incredibly shy
personality…as if that can happen before I die.

Without Passion, It’s Pointless

I’ve always believed
that writing shouldn’t be forced,
art shouldn’t be pressured,
creativity shouldn’t have a deadline.

Passion comes from within.

It can come suddenly,
or it can develop slowly,
it can be sparked from inspiration
that whets your appetite.

It can’t be controlled.

Ever noticed how you can sit,
at a desk or a table or even in bed,
and make yourself write or draw.
You look at the product afterwards,
you approve, you nod and think
“This is a good piece.”
but there’s something missing,
you move on to the next piece
without thinking back to the first.
Why would you?
It’s finished.
No emotional attachment.

No passion.

No love for the craft.

But you must continue!
You need to fill your
blog, portfolio, folder…
whatever it is that you work for.
You need to be appreciated.
How will you get that feeling
of worth and talent
if you don’t show your work
to strangers across the globe
and wait for their reactions?

It’s all so impersonal.

Passion seems to be lost in these situations.

I create when I need to create.
When I need to create, I want to create.
When there is no need,
no urgency,
no immediate,
overpowering,
urge
to put pen to paper,
brush to canvas,
finger to keys,
there is no passion.
There is no point.

I don’t write out of just enjoyment.
I don’t draw to show talent.
I don’t create for approval.

I can go for months without creating anything,
without missing it for a second.
I can’t create out of choice,
I can’t string words together in harmony,
or brush a rainbow of colour across a canvas,
if I don’t feel that powerful need to do it.
It’s worthless without it.

I write,
draw,
create…

Because I have to.
Because when I feel that need,
it is impossible not to.
If I couldn’t, during that surge of passion,
I would go insane.
I couldn’t live.
It is essential.

24 Weeks Pregnant

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(image curtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

Each week goes by so much quicker than the last nowadays! I used to feel like I was waiting to be another week gone, now it’s happening before I even realise it. I’ve started looking around my room to see how things will change. I need to find space for a cot in there and it’s only a tiny space anyway. It’s going to be a tight squeeze. I’ll only be staying at home until I’m totally comfortable taking care of Charlie alone though, then I’ll get my own place nearby, like my sister and niece.

Charlie seems to respond to music now! I downloaded Spotify on my iPad so that me and my youngest sister could listen to Ed Sheerans new album for free (we love him!). I had the iPad on my knee so the speakers were against my bump. We listened to Ed Sheeran then a bit of Bob Marley and Eminem while we were browsing, then I found a Ska playlist. This is when Charlie started moving around like crazy! I changed it to acoustic and Charlie stopped, so I put Ska back on and he carried on moving! I like to think he was dancing. Paul said “good lad” because he’s a big Ska fan too.

Speaking of Paul, he seems to be getting a bit down about how little he’ll see Charlie in the future since he lives a while away. We were joking about discipline and stuff and I said I wonder who Charlie will like more, as a laugh. But Paul just said he’ll like me more than “the random guy he has to see every other weekend and be away from all his mates not having fun.” Which was quite upsetting. I tried to make him feel better, I said we will try and get together as much as we can and that with Skype and video chats it’s not like they’ll never see each other during the week.

Maybe when the time comes, and he realises how much more he wants to see his son, he will just move closer to us. I’m not bringing it up again, it just causes arguments between us. I just hope he ends up seeing that his son is more important than living near his parents in Wrexham. Who knows.