Bio: I think my posts pretty much describe me, better than I could in this box anyway. I'm complex and simple at the same time. Strong and weak. Loving and hateful. I pretend I know what I'm doing, what I want, and sometimes I even believe myself. I'm lonely and I'm surrounded. I hope for true love that I doubt exists. I desire acceptance but I rebel. I search for affection to push it away. I'm whole and broken. I'm real and fake. I am a walking contradiction. email - rsearith@hotmail.co.uk

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21 responses to “About

  1. I think you summed me up in your few contradicting words. Except, I don’t think any part of me is fake other than the thin smile I may paint on my face to mask my sorrow/worry/temper. Maybe when I can improve my art skills, I can improve my “fakeness.” I can be a fairly good actor…but only on a stage with a script in my mind. In person, I hate fake.

    But, overall, we seem like two peas in a “blogpod.”

    • I generally consider the “fake” part of me, to be the confident image I portray, as well as the fact that I’m still waiting to discover the kind of person I am…I figure that makes me unreal in a sense, even if it’s just in my own mind.

      But that aside, thank you (I think…), and “blogpod” is a new favourite word of mine! :-D

      • Well, again, my dislike of fake does not allow me to fake my confidence, either. I have learned telling tall tales does me no good when the truth must come out. So, I stopped telling them. Yet, the urge is still there, and occasionally I exaggerate or lie when I feel “small” among competition. I won’t admit it on the spot–a family habit–but I will eventually break down and confess because I hate harboring/maintaining the lie.

        My brother seems better at faking confidence with loud talk and stiff expressions…not to mention being a jerk sometimes. But, it smells foul from the start.

        I’m good with inventing words:P And, metaphors.

        When people aren’t sure if they should be thankful, I get the feeling I said something disturbing or potentially offensive in some inconceivable way.

      • I don’t exaggerate or lie to fake confidence. Sometimes just talking to a person I don’t know is out of my comfort zone, but I force myself to do it…hence fake confidence. I have no patience for liars of any sort. I believe people should be who they are, regardless of other people finding them interesting or not…but at the same time, I believe in self-improvement. So there has to be a crossover at some point.

        Well you didn’t say anything disturbing, and I have quite a thick shell, so don’t worry about that!

      • Hmm…but I do that and don’t consider it fake confidence. I have just enough confidence to dare/try. But, I’m only at risk of faking a smile or looking “aloof” to mask any chance they disturb/upset me. And, at those moments, I try to politely stand still and be quiet…or excuse myself. If they are not so lucky, I tell them upfront why I am walking away. Sometimes I hate to point these things out…but people can be hard-headed (like me).

        Ah, but we do have patience for liars and lies. We may think we are “oh so righteous,” but we are still human. Yet, I suppose, in saying we have no tolerance, we help straighten our backs and curb those impulses.

        You bring up a good term. Interesting (versus boring which some people fear they are and why they pretend to be something they’re not or keep quiet to avoid embarrassing themselves). I don’t think I am boring. But, I may not appeal to everyone (or anyone lately). Nor do I think anyone else is boring. But, some might get on my bad side.

        What is this improvement we need? And, how does that relate to faking confidence other than improving one’s social ability to exceed their comfort zone?

        Okay, then:) Just checking. Although, IF you are like me, then that thick shell is some of that fake confidence, a defensive bluff:) So, I won’t be inclined to tread carelessly on your turf. But, perhaps, you weren’t sure how to feel about what I said. It didn’t register as a compliment or insult…but some gray area in the middle.

      • And that’s the beauty and complexity of people, they can all consider things completely differently. What I consider to be fake, others would consider otherwise and vice versa. I only have my own experiences and those I’ve heard or read about to compare. I admit to being fake in the past, like you said “pretend to be something their not” for whatever reason, I’ve been there, done that, I have no shame in admitting it because I feel I’ve learnt from it. And if you feel like you want to improve yourself, to become something better than you are for instance, you have to do things that aren’t you, to try and learn how to make them you…if that makes sense? So that’s being fake too, in my opinion, but not in a negative way.

        That all makes sense in my head but I’m not sure if it does in writing. If you could crawl into my mind you would understand my attempts to word my incoherent thoughts instantly I’m sure! If only.

        And you’re right, saying I have no patience for liars was probably a bit too much. Let’s just say, I’ve become weary of them over time, they do more damage than good. But again, having been there myself before, I should be more compassionate. Maybe there’s another self-improvement for me right there :-P

      • Even the lessons I’ve learned through my mistakes still upset me because I hate knowing I wasted that time…even if some say it was fruitful for learning. It’s the perfectionist in me that doesn’t accept life’s little imperfections…and even that makes me mad/sick of myself.

        Isn’t it also possible that improving yourself might be doing what IS you but with greater depth/detail? Just as an artist develops talent through experience, observation and practice (and damn genetics I suppose)–improving from stick figures and shapes we can’t make others comprehend to detailed figures so accurate they mimic photos–our other abilities might just be coming into greater focus. After all, we don’t want to do things that aren’t true to ourselves lest we look back and say things like, “Yea, what a stupid pothead I was” or “I’m just glad those drunken party days when I slept around are over.” Instead, we might say, “I used to be able to only run a mile. Now, I can run ten.” Or, “I used to hate broccoli; now I can tolerate it.” It doesn’t mean we never were supposed to like broccoli and did something alien. It might simply be we had to try it to learn we DID like it. Or, our tastes/perspective changed. You might say the same for movie ratings. Surely a kid isn’t going to get much out of an R-rated movie. Nor will many “grown-ups” tolerate the “silliness” of an animated film designed for families/kids.

        How do you relate your comfort zone philosophy to adjusting one’s mind in adulthood to something enjoyed as a child? Didn’t we mature so we could handle more adult material? What are we doing looking back?

        If we crawled into the other person’s head, we might be scared out of our wits or want to stay:P We might put us both in comas. But, I like the visual:) [Malkovich!]

        Right. In admitting our own potential for corruption/evil/mistakes, we should/could be more tolerant of others (who maybe haven’t “reached our level”). Yet, for every level we “fakely confidently” believe we have achieved, there’s always some “kung fu master” far ahead of us further up the mountain.

  2. I know what you mean about regretting wasted time, but if I focussed on all the things I regret in life, I wouldn’t spend a lot of time actually living my future life! Not that I don’t regret things, because I do, I’m human. But not things that have ended up making me feel like a better person, from learning or maturing.

    I’m becoming more and more aware of a lengthy conversation taking over my pages… :-P

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