31 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of wow.yourbabylibrary.com)

It’s been a nice week! Quite chilled but fun too. My grandad and my stepdads parents came over for Emily’s birthday buffet. Andy’s mum is knitting cardigans for Charlie and her grandsons daughter whose also due in October. She was saying how she needs some buttons, so I got the button tin from my room. It was my grans, if she ever threw clothes away, she’d take the buttons off and put them in this tin, and she’d bought quite a few too. It’s an old fashioned circular biscuit tin and it’s totally full of every button you can imagine. I used to love looking through them all when I was small and when my gran passed away last year, it was the first thing my grandad gave me. So now when Charlie’s here, I’ll have a cardigan knitted by Andy’s mum with my grans buttons on. I think that sounds so lovely, and definitely something to keep always.

Me and my mum went to look at baby stuff, which was really good! We went to Mothercare, Mamas & Papas and Babies R Us. After checking out all the different prams, we found the perfect one. It’s lovely and black and red, it’s big but not too big to comfortably walk around shops with, and it turns into a pushchair for when Charlie grows a bit. It was ¬£400 in Mothercare, but when I got home I looked online and Boots have a Baby Event going on until the middle of next month and the pram I want is on sale for ¬£233!! I couldn’t believe it! So as soon as I get some money I’m getting it from there, so exciting! We also saw a few “compact cots” which are just the same as normal cots, can hold a baby for the same amount of time, but are designed for smaller rooms which is ideal for me! Found a few bargains for them online too. Online shopping is awesome.

Saw my midwife today. I told my mum that she could come in with me to hear the heartbeat this time. It look my midwife quite a while to find his heartbeat, she said my placenta was in the way. My mum thought it was pretty amazing once we could hear it though. Next time I see her, we’re talking about my birth plan! I can’t believe how close that seems! I don’t really have any preferences, I don’t think. I know I want to use gas and air as relief. I’ve nothing against having an epidural, but only as a last option I think. Only if I can’t go any longer without it.

I’m going to see Paul tomorrow. It’ll be the first time in months that we’ve seen each other. Giving him his birthday present and hopefully he’ll be able to feel Charlie kick at some point while I’m there. I think seeing me with a big baby bump will kind of surprise him. I’ve kept him as involved as I can, and the whole thing has sunk in now…but I think seeing me all pregnant will have an effect on him. I hope so anyway. Could be awkward, but it will probably be fine. I’m looking forward to seeing him feel Charlie for the first time anyway.

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One Thing That Will Never Change

I write, but I’m not a writer
I pretend, but I’m not a faker
I lash out, but I’m not a fighter
I cook, but I’m not a baker
I draw, but I’m not an artist
I educate, but I’m not a teacher
I’m clever, but I’m not the smartest
I preach, but I’m not a preacher
I’m brave, but I’m not unafraid
I adore, but I’m not a lover
I clean, but I’m not a maid
I’m pregnant – so soon I will ALWAYS be a mother

Puppy Love

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I have a little puppy
Who won’t let me write
She’s totally adorable
All black and white
But she’ll chew on every pen
That I leave in sight
She’ll lie on my notebook
And try as I might
I can’t take it off her
Without having the sight
Of her sad little eyes
That are usually bright
All full of woe that
I won’t play tonight
So I’ll throw her a ball
Give her bones to bite
Chase her around
And have a play fight
Until she gets sleepy
I will cuddle her tight
All curled in my arms
So soft and so light
Too cute to put down
I give up, I won’t write.

30 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

I can’t quite believe I’m three quarters of my way through! The closer it gets the more nervous I get, and I think it’s the same with Paul. I have an app on my phone that tells me how many days left until my due date, I sent a screenshot to him yesterday when it said 70 days and he said he’ll be having nightmares now because he’s not sure he’s ready. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready though. How can you be? Especially when you have no idea what it’s going to be like.

This week has been quite good. I’ve been getting really tired in the evenings, even though I haven’t been mega active during the day. Just regular day to day stuff really. Went blackberry picking with my sister and niece, which was quite nice until I started needing the toilet (more and more these days, pregnancy classic), but my niece was loving it so much I didn’t want to make them stop early or anything, so just held it as long as physically possible! On a brighter note though, I’ve gotten back into writing this week. It’s been quite dry for a couple of months now, just not really feeling like it, and I won’t force myself to write, that’s defies the purpose. So I’m happy I’m feeling in the mood again.

My pregnant friend has already packed her hospital bag! She’s two weeks ahead of me, and I haven’t even thought about mine yet. Started panicking that I was leaving it too late, but when I had a look on my trusty Emma’s Diary app, it says that women are recommended to pack their bag about 3 weeks before they’re due. So that’s plenty of time yet. She also says she’s excited about the labour! I can’t imagine that. Obviously I’m excited about meeting my son, but the actual labour? Not so much…everyone is different I guess.

It’s my sisters birthday on Sunday, and Paul’s on Monday. I’m not sure what we’re doing for my sisters yet, but I’ve got her present sorted and ready to wrap. Paul kept telling me not to get him anything but I’d feel weird not getting him anything. So I compromised and got him an Expectant Dads Survival Guide. All the reviews say it’s really funny and entertaining but also really helpful for new dads. So it’s his birthday present, but it’s also Charlie-related so I can always say that when he’s moaning at me for spending money on him. Plus, I’ve had it delivered to my house so I can read it first!

I wish we had a decent bath too. Never been much of a bath person, always preferred showers as they’re quicker and feel cleaner. But loads of people, including my midwife, say that babies seem to get more active when you’re in the bath. My friend says she can see the water rippling away from her bump when her little girl kicks and moves around, and the Emma’s Diary app says Emma used to put soap on her bump and it would be kicked off into the water! But our bath is really shallow, it’s meant to be economical or something…but it’s just annoying! Feel like I’m missing out.

New Notebook

I have a new notebook
It might not seem much
But I love blank white pages
And how they’re soft to touch
It’s like an empty canvas
That lasts for weeks and weeks
It’s begging for the pen
That allows my mind to speak
Soon to be filled up
With words and occasional rhyme
Scribbles and odd blotches
Gradual drink stains over time
It will be my companion
Each and every day
And even when it’s full
It won’t be thrown away
Always close at hand
To fulfil my every whim
Close to a few pens
Extensions of my limb
It will be so important
For a portion of my year
Then it will join others
That my past holds dear
I have a new notebook
It might not seem much
But I love it so dearly
My brand new crutch

Artwork of a Lifetime

There’s a drawing on my minds wall
That spans nearly two and a half decades.
It began as a faint sketching quite small
And if you concentrate too hard it fades.
As the artists confidence grew, so did the scrawl
And simplistic colours developed new shades.
It slowly spread as wide as it was tall,
Surviving through everything, it never degrades.

It’s a collage of emotions, people and places.
Some are more clear and others less defined,
With vibrant colours and visible faces,
The most important ones are outlined
By a thick black pen minimising spaces.
Even the less obvious ones aren’t left behind,
They might be faded, but their image graces
The drawing that covers the wall in my mind.

There’s a mix of experience and memory
Covering every inch of empty space there.
No mere words can describe it’s vibrancy.
You’ll keep noticing new things the more you stare,
But there is one thing you won’t see…
An image of myself can’t be painted anywhere
Because only at the end if my life will it be
Possible for the artist of my mind to be aware.

It’s impossible for me to pretend
That I have even the smallest idea
Of who I am, or how to extend
The power of my mind to get near
To understanding what is penned
In my personality or how I appear.
So I hope that when I am at my end,
My true identity can be painted clear.

Numb Confusion

I keep trying to express
how I feel about you
in words.
Prose or poetry – I don’t care,
just words, any words!
I can’t understand my own thoughts.
I don’t have any emotions.
But that’s impossible.
How can I be numb to someone that was my entire world?
How can I not miss you?
How can I read the things you write…
and feel nothing?
Yet, without you, I’m incomplete.
You don’t make me happy,
but I’m not happy without you.
I don’t want to waste my time
indulging in pointless conversations
that lead to no where,
but nor do I want to stop talking.
How do I know,
whether it’s just you that I don’t want…
or whether there’s nothing I want?
How do I comprehend myself?