37 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

Everything keeps changing! It’s really annoying me now. After I got back from Paul’s, me and my mum went shopping to get my hospital bag ready for when I go in to be induced, we got almost everything we needed (with what limited shops were open on a Sunday). Then I went to my appointment on Monday to check my blood pressure again and speak to a doctor. They checked my blood pressure and it was fine, so they basically told me to just go home! I insisted that a doctor had told me I was going to be induced this week and that they’d speak to me about it, so the midwife went and phoned whichever doctor was available and then came back and said that because my blood pressure isn’t high anymore, there shouldn’t be a reason to induce me, but that she’s booked me an appointment on Thursday to speak to a doctor and get a final decision. So I went home a bit annoyed.

My mum wasn’t happy either, it’s confusing because I understand that now my blood pressure is low which is good, but the last doctor told me that it was “fluctuating” and better for Charlie to come out. The midwife said that induction isn’t what I want anyway, because it’s more likely to end in an assisted birth or an emergency C-section, and that the labour itself tends to be longer and more painful. So we decided to just wait until Thursday and see what the doctor says.

We went to the last Ante-Natal Class on Tuesday which was good as always, learnt quite a bit about breastfeeding, and the midwife said that it should be alright using bottles as well as breastfeeding once “breastfeeding has been established”, which is good. It’ll be a lot better for everyone if other people can feed Charlie too, I can always express milk and then Paul, my mum or whoever else can feed him if I’m having a rest or something. They’ve both said they’d like to feed him anyway, whether I’m resting or not haha. We have an actual breastfeeding class next week so hopefully that’ll educate us properly.

So we went to see the doctor on Thursday, which was a massive let down. He checked my blood pressure once, said it was fine and wanted to send me home! My mum asked loads of questions and we told him all the things the other doctor had told us, but he just kind of dismissed it all and said that my blood pressure isn’t high now, and that’s all that matters, they won’t induce someone with no reason. Because I kept saying “fluctuating”, he decided to make me yet another appointment to have it checked yet again on Saturday. Obviously by this time I was getting more annoyed and frustrated by the whole situation. Everyone telling me different things and dragging me to the hospital every other day.

This time I was at triage being checked, they took us into a room and literally didn’t come back for 2 hours. They must of been really busy, which is understandable, but 2 hours just to take a blood pressure is a bit excessive. I’m sounding very angry on this post aren’t I? Haha, I was just worried about Charlie being alright. So eventually they checked my pressure and urine, and it was high and had protein in…in that order…so they decided to hook me up onto the machine again, monitoring Charlie’s heartbeat, movement, my blood pressure and pulse all at the same time. Because my blood pressure was gradually getting higher they decided to keep me overnight again. They took more blood and gave me a pill for blood pressure.

The night was pretty uneventful, they checked again every 4 hours like last time and it was low every time. Obviously fluctuating again. They put me back on the monitor in the morning and that was all fine too. When the midwife came in to do my last checks we had a chat about it. I told her how confused and frustrated I was about the whole situation and she tried to explain it to me. Basically, my blood pressure tends not to affect anything else, so it’s just hypertension and not preeclampsia. Hypertension can’t affect Charlie, whereas preeclampsia can. If my blood pressure rose and then stayed high, it would be developing into preeclampsia, but mine has always rose and then gone back down again, which is fine apparently. The reason they keep bringing me back in is to make sure it’s not rising, and if it does rise, they keep me overnight to make sure it doesn’t continue to rise…and it always ends up going down again. She said that even though Charlie is now 37 weeks, and classed as fully term and ready to come out, my body isn’t ready for labour. If they induce me early, when I’m not prepared for it, it could cause complications that could potentially be bad for Charlie and me, so what they rather do, is keep monitoring me until hopefully I go into labour naturally. She said it’s kind of a balancing act getting it right and knowing when to act and when to just be aware.

So that made me feel a lot better, like someone had finally actually explained the situation. Even though it’s annoying having to come to hospital so often and nothing happening, it’s actually better for Charlie and me this way. So when the doctor came to discharge me and say that I have to come back in again every other day until I give birth, I was fine with it. My mum had been texting me telling me to be assertive and demand to be induced because I didn’t want Charlie at risk, and I was all ready to do it until the midwife eased my mind. It’s not going to be fun, it’s going to be annoying and tiring…but whatever is best for Charlie, I will do, no matter what.

On a lighter note (needed on this post!) Paul gave his mum my number so she can contact me and make sure me and Charlie are alright. She’s been texting quite a bit checking on me, and she’s actually really funny. It’s nice talking to her, she’s genuinely concerned and really excited about Charlie coming soon. It’s obvious from all the little hints that she drops that she really wants me to get back with Paul and move there. You can’t blame her I guess, Charlie will be her grandson after all. She said that the bigger your feet are, the easier labour will be for you haha. These funny old wives tales!

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Hypocrite

It makes me laugh
In a sarcastic way
When I have to listen
To him say
That he can’t cope
With my emotions today
Pregnancy hormones
Getting carried away
Are nothing compared
To his past display
Of emotional emptiness
Thrown my way
And even with my
Heartbreaking dismay
I always knew that
With him I would stay

I Hate You

I fucking hate you!
I hate the way you look confused
When I know that you understand
I hate how you always joke
Instead of taking things seriously
I hate that you don’t seem to realise
Just how selfish you are
Just how cruel you can be
Just how careless you act
I despise so much about you
That even attempting to list
Your endless faults seems ridiculous
But my scorn for you
(even scorn is an understatement)
Makes it hard to resist
More than this though;
I loathe the way you affect me
How you make me angry
How you bring curses from my lips
How you frustrate me
But most of all
I hate the way
That you make my heart
Burn with love

Wrath

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People say she’s a fiery soul
It doesn’t take much to happen
Her anger is like a black hole
Any other emotion sucked in
And it’s like a wall of red
As her voice echoes around
Screaming so loud that her head
Empties, nothing else to be found
If she keeps her mind hostile
And the madness looking real
She can act for a while
That there’s nothing else she can feel
When she’s weak, the mask slides
She can’t expect to make it last
Behind all the anger, fear hides
A deep sense of dread from her past
So she’ll keep her temper short
Scowl her eyes, constantly frown
As long as she doesn’t get caught
Her fear can’t make her drown

Lack of Inspiration

It seems to me

That happiness

Does not bring me inspiration

I can write tragic poems

And heartbreaking stories

When anguish is strong

But now I’m happy

And I can’t seem to

Put pen to paper

And create

Why is that?

Is happiness not strong too?

Is it not a real

Powerful emotion?

Why do poetry and prose

Drip like ink into writing

On a blank page

When I am overwhelmed

With anger, despair or hurt?

But now that I’m content

I can mean the smile

That spreads across my face

There’s a skip in my step

And my heart is full

All the world is a stage

But I don’t need to act anymore

Happiness

Maybe it’s just

That I’m so unfamiliar

With the feeling

That inspiration has fled

Here’s hoping it comes back

Seeing Red

Sometimes I get this anger
I can feel it brewing up inside
Like tiny waves
Crashing, forming a tide
Spreading upwards
And then the heat
Burning, boiling
Too late to retreat

Gut wrenching

Teeth clenching

Calm quenching

My mouth opens
An urge to scream
But I can’t make a sound
Go back to the dream!
Try to contain it
Force it back down
No urge to resist
Don’t let myself drown

Hair bunching

Fist punching

Eyes scrunching

And then it takes me
I see red
There’s nothing left
The monsters fed
White hot
Blood flows
Chest out
Curled toes
Nails scratch
Heart pounds
Hands up
Rage sounds

Then I breathe
Drop the knife
See the blood
Goodbye life

Just You

Every girl wants a fairy tale romance.
A knight in shining armour,
To rescue her from loneliness.
To know there’s just no chance
He could ever walk away from her
Without life being meaningless

It all seems so simple in the stories.
Boy meets girl, falls in love
They live happily ever after.
No mention of pain, or pleas,
Of never being enough,
The tears and tantrums and anger

Sometimes I hate you so much
I want to cut you out of my heart
And burn it in a blinding rage.
To slap away your hesitant touch,
Tell myself I’m too smart
I’m just on a later page

But then other times I can’t breathe.
So overcome by my feelings,
Intense, powerful, and I see
That I know I could never leave.
To sacrifice what knowing you brings
Would be enough to destroy me

And that’s when I realise the truth,
That when I consider our chances
And the problems are off the scale,
My love is real and unadulterated proof
That under no circumstances
Would I swap you, for a fairy tale

Hell Hath no Fury

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Jealousy is such a wicked thing, my dear
Green glimmers will make eyes dance
The idea, so smart within your own mind
An evil nectar used with such nonchalance
The love that once existed between us
As pure and strong as I believed it to be
Tossed asunder with a sweet droplet
Leaving my heart empty of affection for thee

Anger is such a dangerous thing, my love
Red sparks will make eyes smoulder
Love is blind, the most popular myth
Designed to make the low feel bolder
You blinded my sight and gave him my heart
A hideous creature, a mule for a head
Receiving my attention, my mind, my soul
And the worst of them all, a place in my bed

Revenge is the sweetest reward, my king
Satisfying would be to scratch out your eyes
But what am I, if not a queen afterall?
It is in magic, where the answer lies
A life of misery, disaster, pain and loss
Of judgement, prejudice, fear and abandon
Is what awaits you, my dear husband
When I leave you to walk amongst the men