35 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

So excitement is slowly shifting to nerves now. It doesn’t just feel like regular excitable nerves either, I feel pretty terrified. I read this weeks Emma’s Diary, that said Charlie is now pretty much ready to come out. He has everything he needs and the last few weeks are just to gain some weight before he comes. Plus, my pregnant friend Laura is being induced tomorrow! She was always having her baby in October like me, due 2 weeks before me. Now she’s having her daughter! She’s had to have her early because some of her late scans have shown that the baby isn’t grown as she should be, so they think it’s safer to bring her a couple weeks early. Hopefully everything will be fine with them both. It’s just made me realise how close it is and how real it is.

I was talking to Paul about it too, he tried to reassure me that it’s not just me that doesn’t feel ready, he doesn’t either. He seems more worried about what things will be like when Charlie’s here. It’s a shame that there’s such a distance between us, that’s the only real issue. We’ve agreed that I’ll be driving to his every weekend and staying over with Charlie, and that Paul will just pay for the petrol and the weekend, rather than actually pay me maintenance for Charlie. He will be struggling a lot with money I think. People keep saying to me “well that’s his problem” and that I should still make him give me money. I think spending time with his son is more important though. If he paid maintenance he probably wouldn’t be able to afford the weekends…and I’m sure Charlie would rather spend time with his dad than know his dad gave me money for stuff. I guess we’ll just see.

On a lighter note, I met up with an old college friend, Amy, this week, which has been really nice. We haven’t seen each other for years, but we still text and talk on Facebook quite a lot, and seeing each other just made it all go back to how it was before, so not at all awkward. We went out for lunch one day and went the cinema a couple days later. She used to live quite far away but she’s recently moved to my town to live with her boyfriend, so it’s hide that we can catch up. When I first saw her she couldn’t stop staring at my bump, which made me laugh.

Speaking of my bump, life is becoming more and more uncomfortable! Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling Charlie moving around and letting me know he’s fine, but when he stretches out into my ribs and my bladder at the same time…it gets a bit tricky. Sometimes I sit there thinking “please just go to sleep!”, I suppose it will just prepare me for when he’s here! Haha.

I’m off to a party tonight, my mums friends 40th. I won’t know many people but it should still be a nice night with my family, especially since I haven’t been out much recently! Then I’m having the second Birth Plan meeting with my midwife on Tuesday as well as my second Antenatal Class on Tuesday evening! Fun times.

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30 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

I can’t quite believe I’m three quarters of my way through! The closer it gets the more nervous I get, and I think it’s the same with Paul. I have an app on my phone that tells me how many days left until my due date, I sent a screenshot to him yesterday when it said 70 days and he said he’ll be having nightmares now because he’s not sure he’s ready. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready though. How can you be? Especially when you have no idea what it’s going to be like.

This week has been quite good. I’ve been getting really tired in the evenings, even though I haven’t been mega active during the day. Just regular day to day stuff really. Went blackberry picking with my sister and niece, which was quite nice until I started needing the toilet (more and more these days, pregnancy classic), but my niece was loving it so much I didn’t want to make them stop early or anything, so just held it as long as physically possible! On a brighter note though, I’ve gotten back into writing this week. It’s been quite dry for a couple of months now, just not really feeling like it, and I won’t force myself to write, that’s defies the purpose. So I’m happy I’m feeling in the mood again.

My pregnant friend has already packed her hospital bag! She’s two weeks ahead of me, and I haven’t even thought about mine yet. Started panicking that I was leaving it too late, but when I had a look on my trusty Emma’s Diary app, it says that women are recommended to pack their bag about 3 weeks before they’re due. So that’s plenty of time yet. She also says she’s excited about the labour! I can’t imagine that. Obviously I’m excited about meeting my son, but the actual labour? Not so much…everyone is different I guess.

It’s my sisters birthday on Sunday, and Paul’s on Monday. I’m not sure what we’re doing for my sisters yet, but I’ve got her present sorted and ready to wrap. Paul kept telling me not to get him anything but I’d feel weird not getting him anything. So I compromised and got him an Expectant Dads Survival Guide. All the reviews say it’s really funny and entertaining but also really helpful for new dads. So it’s his birthday present, but it’s also Charlie-related so I can always say that when he’s moaning at me for spending money on him. Plus, I’ve had it delivered to my house so I can read it first!

I wish we had a decent bath too. Never been much of a bath person, always preferred showers as they’re quicker and feel cleaner. But loads of people, including my midwife, say that babies seem to get more active when you’re in the bath. My friend says she can see the water rippling away from her bump when her little girl kicks and moves around, and the Emma’s Diary app says Emma used to put soap on her bump and it would be kicked off into the water! But our bath is really shallow, it’s meant to be economical or something…but it’s just annoying! Feel like I’m missing out.

18 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

My baby is now supposed to be 15cm (6inches) and weighs about 7oz (200g). No comparison to a fruit on Emma’s Diary this week, how sad. Apparently because the baby has so much room inside me it’s always swimming around and jumping and stuff, I still haven’t felt a thing though. However, I have a friend that’s 20 weeks pregnant, she says that she felt a kick the other day and it’s made her realise that all these little feelings that are similar to indigestion and gas were actually the baby…so maybe that’s the same with me!

I’m not sure what else I should say at this point. I was hoping to share this diary with my baby in the future, so I have to be careful. I wish I could see how everything is in a few years time. At the moment me and Paul are arguing almost everyday and it’s getting to the point where I don’t know if we should stay together. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I love him so much, I always have and probably always will, but I can’t cope like this for much longer, and I need to think about my baby before myself. Sometimes I just want to stay at home with my mum and do it alone…but the baby deserves a proper family…but is that still the case if the family is so dysfunctional?

I just feel so upset all the time. I have no idea what to do, or even what I want.

I barely even write anymore, used to be rare that I’d go a whole day without writing…but now I haven’t written a word for weeks. I’ve never felt so unlike myself. Then I start feeling guilty, I should be enjoying this, I should be thinking about my baby and smiling and excited. But all I can think about is how scared I am. About everything. I’m so weak.