I started as One

Individual, Lone, Singular

We met and became Two

Partners, Companions, Soulmates

Then our Two turned into Three





37 Weeks Pregnant

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Everything keeps changing! It’s really annoying me now. After I got back from Paul’s, me and my mum went shopping to get my hospital bag ready for when I go in to be induced, we got almost everything we needed (with what limited shops were open on a Sunday). Then I went to my appointment on Monday to check my blood pressure again and speak to a doctor. They checked my blood pressure and it was fine, so they basically told me to just go home! I insisted that a doctor had told me I was going to be induced this week and that they’d speak to me about it, so the midwife went and phoned whichever doctor was available and then came back and said that because my blood pressure isn’t high anymore, there shouldn’t be a reason to induce me, but that she’s booked me an appointment on Thursday to speak to a doctor and get a final decision. So I went home a bit annoyed.

My mum wasn’t happy either, it’s confusing because I understand that now my blood pressure is low which is good, but the last doctor told me that it was “fluctuating” and better for Charlie to come out. The midwife said that induction isn’t what I want anyway, because it’s more likely to end in an assisted birth or an emergency C-section, and that the labour itself tends to be longer and more painful. So we decided to just wait until Thursday and see what the doctor says.

We went to the last Ante-Natal Class on Tuesday which was good as always, learnt quite a bit about breastfeeding, and the midwife said that it should be alright using bottles as well as breastfeeding once “breastfeeding has been established”, which is good. It’ll be a lot better for everyone if other people can feed Charlie too, I can always express milk and then Paul, my mum or whoever else can feed him if I’m having a rest or something. They’ve both said they’d like to feed him anyway, whether I’m resting or not haha. We have an actual breastfeeding class next week so hopefully that’ll educate us properly.

So we went to see the doctor on Thursday, which was a massive let down. He checked my blood pressure once, said it was fine and wanted to send me home! My mum asked loads of questions and we told him all the things the other doctor had told us, but he just kind of dismissed it all and said that my blood pressure isn’t high now, and that’s all that matters, they won’t induce someone with no reason. Because I kept saying “fluctuating”, he decided to make me yet another appointment to have it checked yet again on Saturday. Obviously by this time I was getting more annoyed and frustrated by the whole situation. Everyone telling me different things and dragging me to the hospital every other day.

This time I was at triage being checked, they took us into a room and literally didn’t come back for 2 hours. They must of been really busy, which is understandable, but 2 hours just to take a blood pressure is a bit excessive. I’m sounding very angry on this post aren’t I? Haha, I was just worried about Charlie being alright. So eventually they checked my pressure and urine, and it was high and had protein in…in that order…so they decided to hook me up onto the machine again, monitoring Charlie’s heartbeat, movement, my blood pressure and pulse all at the same time. Because my blood pressure was gradually getting higher they decided to keep me overnight again. They took more blood and gave me a pill for blood pressure.

The night was pretty uneventful, they checked again every 4 hours like last time and it was low every time. Obviously fluctuating again. They put me back on the monitor in the morning and that was all fine too. When the midwife came in to do my last checks we had a chat about it. I told her how confused and frustrated I was about the whole situation and she tried to explain it to me. Basically, my blood pressure tends not to affect anything else, so it’s just hypertension and not preeclampsia. Hypertension can’t affect Charlie, whereas preeclampsia can. If my blood pressure rose and then stayed high, it would be developing into preeclampsia, but mine has always rose and then gone back down again, which is fine apparently. The reason they keep bringing me back in is to make sure it’s not rising, and if it does rise, they keep me overnight to make sure it doesn’t continue to rise…and it always ends up going down again. She said that even though Charlie is now 37 weeks, and classed as fully term and ready to come out, my body isn’t ready for labour. If they induce me early, when I’m not prepared for it, it could cause complications that could potentially be bad for Charlie and me, so what they rather do, is keep monitoring me until hopefully I go into labour naturally. She said it’s kind of a balancing act getting it right and knowing when to act and when to just be aware.

So that made me feel a lot better, like someone had finally actually explained the situation. Even though it’s annoying having to come to hospital so often and nothing happening, it’s actually better for Charlie and me this way. So when the doctor came to discharge me and say that I have to come back in again every other day until I give birth, I was fine with it. My mum had been texting me telling me to be assertive and demand to be induced because I didn’t want Charlie at risk, and I was all ready to do it until the midwife eased my mind. It’s not going to be fun, it’s going to be annoying and tiring…but whatever is best for Charlie, I will do, no matter what.

On a lighter note (needed on this post!) Paul gave his mum my number so she can contact me and make sure me and Charlie are alright. She’s been texting quite a bit checking on me, and she’s actually really funny. It’s nice talking to her, she’s genuinely concerned and really excited about Charlie coming soon. It’s obvious from all the little hints that she drops that she really wants me to get back with Paul and move there. You can’t blame her I guess, Charlie will be her grandson after all. She said that the bigger your feet are, the easier labour will be for you haha. These funny old wives tales!

22 Weeks Pregnant

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It’s been a pretty uneventful week if I’m honest. Emma’s Diary doesn’t say that much, Charlie is growing about a centimetre a week now so there’s not much put logging it every week, it’s straight forward! All it really says it that women shouldn’t worry about their bump shape and size, everyone develops differently after all. I’m definitely getting more of a bump, I can tell when I’m sitting down or lying down, if I’m standing it kind of just spreads out a bit.

Me and mum went into town in the week to get me some maternity clothes, got a cute top saying Baby 2014 on it! Apparently there’s a bigger range on the stores website, and it’s not too expensive either so I’ll have a look when I have a bit more money. While we were out we thought we’d have a look in a few charity shops because they seem to have some almost new baby clothes…we got a little carried away to say the least. In the Cancer Research store there was hardly anything so we asked the lady at the till if they had any baby clothes and she brought 2 huge bags from the back and said we could look through them and have them 50p per item since they hadn’t been sorted yet! We were sat on the floor in the shop saying “aww!” every so often as we looked through them. We came home with 3 bags of clothes. Oops! He’ll have a different outfit every day for the first 3 months of his life!

I went to see Paul at the weekend. Told my family I’d gone to a friends house though, so save any awkward questions. It’s been about a month since we saw eachother apart from the scan. It was nice, but it always is. It always seems like when we’re together we’re perfect for eachother, but when we’re apart it all kind of falls to pieces. But I can’t move there and he won’t move here, so who knows where we’ll be in a years time.

Pregnancy wise though, not much happening! No illness, a bit of tiredness, a little movement, but pretty easy going this week. Thank goodness!

21 Weeks Pregnant

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He’s now 10.5 inches (27cm) and weighs around 12.7 ounces (360g). Which is unbelievable really, I look at my belly imagining a baby nearly the size of a school ruler and I can’t quite comprehend it! And, I’m so happy that Emma’s Diary is back to fruit comparisons! He is the size of a large banana! Must be a very large banana.

It feels so nice to be able to say “he” and “him” and “his”. The scan was great. Paul met us there and it was a little awkward, but we’ve been texting every day since, so at least our friendship seems good. The lady that scanned me was lovely and told us everything she was doing, even though we understood none of it, once she said he seems nice and healthy I was aching to find out he sex. Eventually she asked if I wanted to know and I said yes before she’d even finished the question. She looked around and thought she saw a penis, so said it looks like a boy, but then he spun around and she froze the image and said “definitely a boy! I can see his huge bugle there!” and kept going on about how huge the bulge was. Me and Paul looked at each other and smiled and it was quite a touching moment really, I’d always thought he was a boy and Paul knew it.

After the scan we had a chat outside and he told me he’s glad it’s a boy because the only name we had managed to agree on was Charlie, and we couldn’t decide on anything for a girl. So Charlie it is! Paul said he woke up that morning and his boxers has imprinted the letters BOY on his hip. No other letters, just BOY, which he thinks is a sign too. It was a strange few minutes, finding out we’re having a son but not being together in a relationship. I suppose we have to get used to it.

I went shopping immediately after with my mum, sisters and niece to look at baby boy clothes and got a bit carried away buying them…but hey! It’s my first baby, I’m allowed! My niece, Chloe, wasn’t happy though, she’d been desperate to have a girl cousin and when we told her it’s a boy she literally burst into tears in the back of the car, but she cheered up when we let her pick the name (my mum had given her the idea of Charlie, which I’d decided on months before) and loved picking out clothes for him.

Everyone’s so excited and I’m so happy he’s a boy!

19 Weeks Pregnant

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At 19 weeks, trusty Emma’s Diary says that my baby is 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250g). So that’s slightly bigger than the rulers you take to school in your little pencil cases and heavier than the amount of flour you use to make 12 fairy cakes…that’s how I think of it anyway! No reference to fruit again, which is sad.

Still haven’t felt any movement, but my friend and cousin-in-law are reassuring me that they hadn’t either at my stage, so trying not to get to worked up about it. I know that it’s nothing to worry about, but i just feel jealous of all the mum-to-be’s on the forums I go on that have felt theirs now. I want to feel mine! Mainly because I’ve been having these horrible nightmares about going for a scan and the nurse telling me my baby’s died. I know it sounds really morbid and horrible, but I can’t help it, I wake up crying my eyes out until I manage to exhaust myself back to sleep.

It doesn’t help that me and Paul have broken up either. It was difficult, but we had this huge argument last Wednesday (not long after I posted the 18 weeks pregnant one, typically). We’ve been at our limits for ages. I don’t know what’s happened but it just all feels different, we can’t go any space of time without rubbing each other up the wrong way. Maybe we’re just not ready to play happy families. None of this was planned. But I’d choose my baby over a relationship any day. So that’s that. We didn’t speak for most of the week but started again recently. Trying to be civil. I still love him, I always will. But everything’s different…

All I know is that I’m not moving anymore. Even if we do end up getting together, I’m staying in my town with my family. I need my mum and sisters, I can’t bear to move to a different place and do it all alone. He says I won’t be alone because his family are there, but that’s not the point. If he wants us to be a family, he can move here. I’m putting my foot down. I need support that I can’t get if I move. He might say I’m being selfish, but I need it.

But I’m happy in myself, I’m counting down the days till I find out if I’m having a little boy or a little girl! And when I feel him/her moving, I know it’ll be an amazing moment.

Fingers crossed next time I write I’ll be feeling something!

18 Weeks Pregnant


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My baby is now supposed to be 15cm (6inches) and weighs about 7oz (200g). No comparison to a fruit on Emma’s Diary this week, how sad. Apparently because the baby has so much room inside me it’s always swimming around and jumping and stuff, I still haven’t felt a thing though. However, I have a friend that’s 20 weeks pregnant, she says that she felt a kick the other day and it’s made her realise that all these little feelings that are similar to indigestion and gas were actually the baby…so maybe that’s the same with me!

I’m not sure what else I should say at this point. I was hoping to share this diary with my baby in the future, so I have to be careful. I wish I could see how everything is in a few years time. At the moment me and Paul are arguing almost everyday and it’s getting to the point where I don’t know if we should stay together. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I love him so much, I always have and probably always will, but I can’t cope like this for much longer, and I need to think about my baby before myself. Sometimes I just want to stay at home with my mum and do it alone…but the baby deserves a proper family…but is that still the case if the family is so dysfunctional?

I just feel so upset all the time. I have no idea what to do, or even what I want.

I barely even write anymore, used to be rare that I’d go a whole day without writing…but now I haven’t written a word for weeks. I’ve never felt so unlike myself. Then I start feeling guilty, I should be enjoying this, I should be thinking about my baby and smiling and excited. But all I can think about is how scared I am. About everything. I’m so weak.

The Place Where I Grew Up

It’s just a building

Two floors of tiny rooms

Two doors that have been slammed too often

Two bedrooms that captured our dreams

One lounge that’s seen a lifetime of fights

One kitchen with cigarette-browned walls

One bathroom that’s seen enough use

A garden to escape in

Three baby girls growing and learning within it

It sheltered us from the outside

Making the inside more intense

It’s witnessed teenage rebellion and skiving off school

The shock of a pregnancy in a daughter too young

The birth of a granddaughter and niece combined

Blazing arguments

Love and support

Temper tantrums

Giggling fits

Sibling rivalry

Sisterly love

Rebelling authority

Never ending help

That pile of bricks and mortar topped with a roof

Sat amongst others just like it

In such an unremarkable street

Holds together all that is our family

Contains a mass of memories

That no one else could appreciate

It’s not just a building

It will forever be a home