35 Weeks Pregnant

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So excitement is slowly shifting to nerves now. It doesn’t just feel like regular excitable nerves either, I feel pretty terrified. I read this weeks Emma’s Diary, that said Charlie is now pretty much ready to come out. He has everything he needs and the last few weeks are just to gain some weight before he comes. Plus, my pregnant friend Laura is being induced tomorrow! She was always having her baby in October like me, due 2 weeks before me. Now she’s having her daughter! She’s had to have her early because some of her late scans have shown that the baby isn’t grown as she should be, so they think it’s safer to bring her a couple weeks early. Hopefully everything will be fine with them both. It’s just made me realise how close it is and how real it is.

I was talking to Paul about it too, he tried to reassure me that it’s not just me that doesn’t feel ready, he doesn’t either. He seems more worried about what things will be like when Charlie’s here. It’s a shame that there’s such a distance between us, that’s the only real issue. We’ve agreed that I’ll be driving to his every weekend and staying over with Charlie, and that Paul will just pay for the petrol and the weekend, rather than actually pay me maintenance for Charlie. He will be struggling a lot with money I think. People keep saying to me “well that’s his problem” and that I should still make him give me money. I think spending time with his son is more important though. If he paid maintenance he probably wouldn’t be able to afford the weekends…and I’m sure Charlie would rather spend time with his dad than know his dad gave me money for stuff. I guess we’ll just see.

On a lighter note, I met up with an old college friend, Amy, this week, which has been really nice. We haven’t seen each other for years, but we still text and talk on Facebook quite a lot, and seeing each other just made it all go back to how it was before, so not at all awkward. We went out for lunch one day and went the cinema a couple days later. She used to live quite far away but she’s recently moved to my town to live with her boyfriend, so it’s hide that we can catch up. When I first saw her she couldn’t stop staring at my bump, which made me laugh.

Speaking of my bump, life is becoming more and more uncomfortable! Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling Charlie moving around and letting me know he’s fine, but when he stretches out into my ribs and my bladder at the same time…it gets a bit tricky. Sometimes I sit there thinking “please just go to sleep!”, I suppose it will just prepare me for when he’s here! Haha.

I’m off to a party tonight, my mums friends 40th. I won’t know many people but it should still be a nice night with my family, especially since I haven’t been out much recently! Then I’m having the second Birth Plan meeting with my midwife on Tuesday as well as my second Antenatal Class on Tuesday evening! Fun times.

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34 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

It’s getting closer and closer now! I’ve had an exciting week. I bought Charlie’s pram, compact cot, and even a rocking crib! My sister found someone selling a second hand rocking crib for £15 and it’s in great condition! Practically perfect. It’s in the corner of the lounge now and the pram is in the dining room. Once I’ve sorted out my bedroom I’ll be able to build the cot and sort that out too. It’s feeling much more real now!

Me and my mum went to the first Antenatal Class too, which was really good. The lady taking the class was lovely and the majority of the other couple were too. The couple next to us are due a week after me and we were talking about how emotional we’d both been. It’s their first baby too, and I think you can tell when it’s a couples first baby, they seem much more excited and innocent. I suppose the couples with other children know what’s coming…haha.

We learnt loads too, my mum said “I’m 49 and I’m still learning!”. Apparently your happiness and comfort has everything to do with how fast and painful the labour will be. The woman said that they try to keep you at home as long as possible with contractions to keep “happy hormones” high. If you go into the hospital, your adrenaline will build and you’ll feel more nervous and out of your comfort zone and that will bring the “happy hormones” down which can make labour slower and more painful, and sometimes put it on hold all together! I never knew any of that, but it kind of makes sense. I think of it as a similar thing to the placebo effect. The mind is a powerful thing. I told Paul about it and that he has to make sure I’m constantly happy and that he is at my beck and call constantly…he thought I was making it up to try and have him be my slave.

I saw a new midwife today, who was so lovely. She’s older than my usual midwife, and has 4 children so it’s easier to trust what she says, because she’s been through it all herself, if that makes sense. We talked about some of the Birth Plan, mainly where I’ll be giving birth (hospital), who will be with me, what I need to take, what kind of things I can expect. Next time we’ll be talking about pain relief and the possibility of assisted birth too. She was telling me about breastfeeding too, and how it’s the first few days that are the hardest. She said a lot of women crack and give up, which she totally understand because it’s exhausting enough after labour let alone the emotionally draining experience of struggling to nurse. But she did say that if you can persevere through the rough days, it’s gets so easy and natural, so fingers crossed I can, because I’ve really got used to the idea of breastfeeding. She also said that she would never make me feel guilty if I can’t nurse, or choose not to either (a lot of midwives look down on you if you choose formula instead), so I like her a lot.

When she put the machine on my bump to hear Charlie’s heartbeat, he kept kicking it as if he was trying to make it move, which made us both laugh. I love being able to feel him so much. She said that every time he kicked his heartbeat got a little faster, which means he’s really healthy. He’s also seeming a bit on the large side if her measurements are anything to go by, which doesn’t surprise me, my mums always saying how massive I was when she had me!

This week has really got me excited though, it’s all very real and my due date is less than 6 weeks away. I can’t wait til that moment when I see him, and my life changes forever.

33 Weeks Pregnant

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I read that Charlie will be growing about half a pound a week now, and I can tell! It’s had to explain how it feels, I suppose only other pregnant women or women that have had children would understand, but it’s like you can literally feel the weight of him and it’s just getting heavier and heavier. It’s times like when I’m in bed and it takes me more time that usual just to roll over onto my other side, and getting out of a chair.

I’m a bit more chilled out this week than I have been. I was starting to panic about how little time I have left and how I have bought nothing yet! I mean, I have clothes and small things…but no pram or cot or anything! I’ve applied for a Sure Start Maternity Grant that we can get here, and I got a letter today saying that I’m getting the £500 on Monday! So exciting! I’ve already got my shopping lists ready online, with all the deals I can get since all the supermarkets have Baby Events on right now. So I should be able to get my pram, cot and mattress with that money and still have quite a bit left over!

I’ve been a bit ill again though, on a down note. It’s made me really nervous because my midwife told me it’s common to get ill at the end like you do at the beginning, but remembering how I was at the beginning makes me scared about it! I can’t cope with being that ill again, it was unrelenting and exhausting, I’m already knackered nowadays with little energy, so I really hope it’s just a little bug I’ve got that will pass in a few days time.

I went to Paul’s last night. It was strange seeing him again after so long, but we got back into our old routine quite quickly and I think because we know each other so well and we’re both quite similar, we got along fine. The whole point was that he could feel Charlie kicking but typically, Charlie didn’t move! He wriggles around loads every night but last night he just stayed still. It really bugged me because I feel like if Paul doesn’t feel him, he won’t bond or something. Is that stupid? I don’t know.

Anyway, hopefully next time I write, I’ll have bought all the essentials for Charlie, and I have a midwife appointment next week where we go over the Birth Plan…so that should be interesting…or terrifying. Probably both. It’s always both nowadays.

31 Weeks Pregnant

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It’s been a nice week! Quite chilled but fun too. My grandad and my stepdads parents came over for Emily’s birthday buffet. Andy’s mum is knitting cardigans for Charlie and her grandsons daughter whose also due in October. She was saying how she needs some buttons, so I got the button tin from my room. It was my grans, if she ever threw clothes away, she’d take the buttons off and put them in this tin, and she’d bought quite a few too. It’s an old fashioned circular biscuit tin and it’s totally full of every button you can imagine. I used to love looking through them all when I was small and when my gran passed away last year, it was the first thing my grandad gave me. So now when Charlie’s here, I’ll have a cardigan knitted by Andy’s mum with my grans buttons on. I think that sounds so lovely, and definitely something to keep always.

Me and my mum went to look at baby stuff, which was really good! We went to Mothercare, Mamas & Papas and Babies R Us. After checking out all the different prams, we found the perfect one. It’s lovely and black and red, it’s big but not too big to comfortably walk around shops with, and it turns into a pushchair for when Charlie grows a bit. It was £400 in Mothercare, but when I got home I looked online and Boots have a Baby Event going on until the middle of next month and the pram I want is on sale for £233!! I couldn’t believe it! So as soon as I get some money I’m getting it from there, so exciting! We also saw a few “compact cots” which are just the same as normal cots, can hold a baby for the same amount of time, but are designed for smaller rooms which is ideal for me! Found a few bargains for them online too. Online shopping is awesome.

Saw my midwife today. I told my mum that she could come in with me to hear the heartbeat this time. It look my midwife quite a while to find his heartbeat, she said my placenta was in the way. My mum thought it was pretty amazing once we could hear it though. Next time I see her, we’re talking about my birth plan! I can’t believe how close that seems! I don’t really have any preferences, I don’t think. I know I want to use gas and air as relief. I’ve nothing against having an epidural, but only as a last option I think. Only if I can’t go any longer without it.

I’m going to see Paul tomorrow. It’ll be the first time in months that we’ve seen each other. Giving him his birthday present and hopefully he’ll be able to feel Charlie kick at some point while I’m there. I think seeing me with a big baby bump will kind of surprise him. I’ve kept him as involved as I can, and the whole thing has sunk in now…but I think seeing me all pregnant will have an effect on him. I hope so anyway. Could be awkward, but it will probably be fine. I’m looking forward to seeing him feel Charlie for the first time anyway.

29 Weeks Pregnant

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It’s been a busy week! I saw my midwife on Friday, well, my midwife was actually on holiday, so I saw another one, but she was lovely. I heard Charlie’s heartbeat again and recorded it on my phone this time to send to Paul, which he was happy with. She felt my belly and pushed and squeezed it all over and was like “there’s his head…back…bum…legs…” I was amazed! How do they know that? I suppose it must be the training they get, because I tried it when I got home and could feel naff all!

My stepbrothers, their girlfriends and their nephew (my stepdads grandson) came over on Sunday, which was quite nice. Despite sitting on the sofa next to two skinny and good looking girls while I feel huge and round at the moment! They love Tessy too, it’s impossible not to! I was washing up yesterday and she stood at my feet staring up at me, crying, until I picked her up for a cuddle. When I put her down again to carry on washing up, she did the same, and I gave in…again! Paul said if I can’t even ignore a puppy whining, I’ll never be able to do it with Charlie…

I had my hospital appointment on Monday. We were there about 3 hours all together. Had to wait about 40 minutes to even be seen! Had 3 lots of blood taken, one to check my iron levels, one to check for anaemia, and one to check blood sugar levels. Then I had to drink a bottle of Lucozade as fast as possible, which is harder than you’d think! It didn’t help that my mum sat there telling me to drink it quicker the whole time either! Then the lady told us I have to wait 2 hours in the waiting room, I wasn’t even allowed to have a walk or anything because it would use energy, and they need to see how my body absorbs the glucose all on it’s own. It actually went quicker than we thought, me and mum just chatted the entire time. It was nice. When we went back in, I had my Anti-D (for the Rhesus Negative blood, to protect Charlie incase his blood is Positive) and the second blood sample to get sent off. If it shows that the glucose hasn’t been absorbed properly it means I’ve got some kind of diabetes, but it’s only during pregnancy, and apparently it’s quite common. So nothing to worry about.

Tuesday was my mums birthday, which was mega busy! We got up and gave her presents and then we nipped to town to buy some paint for my sisters bedroom. A trip to town that ended up lasting over 2 hours! I got a dress too, which I’m quite happy with. It really makes my bump look amazing and makes me feel amazing. Then we had to rush home to have lunch before I dropped my mum, sister and niece at the theatre to watch The Gruffalo while I went to the doctors with my other sister. I had my Whooping Cough vaccine, which was painless. The nurse was lovely, she was asking about if the baby was planned and I told her I’d never expected to have children after being told I couldn’t, and she really gushed about it. She said it’s really lovely to hear an amazing story like mine when she normally hears less happy ones. I suppose mine does sound nice to people, I should keep that in mind when I’m feeling low. As soon as that was done we picked the others up and rushed home to get ready for a meal out with grandad. Which was really lovely despite him having a go at the staff for getting our reservation wrong. My mum was embarrassed but I thought it was pretty funny actually.

I think that’s pretty much everything covered now from this week. My arm is aching from the vaccine now, and has been for a few days, but that’s probably normal too. I don’t want to complain about it too much because the nurse said it’s the same one they give to 5 year olds! So if they can handle it…I can!

Prose over Poetry

I’m in one of those moods where poetry just doesn’t seem appropriate. It’s quite a rare occurrence, since I usually manage to funnel the entirety of my emotions into rhyme and then skip off feeling lighter.

Obviously the skipping off is a metaphor, since the last time I skipped anywhere must of been at least 5 years ago, and even then it wouldn’t of been enjoyable. That’s one of the big-breasted woman’s issues. As well as running up/down stairs, finding a jacket that buttons all the way to the top, seeing your feet…but I digress…

My heart isn’t fully into this, half of me is listening with finely tuned ears to my phone, waiting for the whatsapp message tone to signal a response from him. I’m mad at him at the moment but it seems impossible to not talk to him. It’s rather irritating. And when he does message, I’ll read it in the preview but not open it. I’ll leave it as long as I can to make it look like I have much better things to do.

In reality, everything I ever do is just filling time until I’m engaging him.

He knows it. I’m sure everyone does. But I like to pretend.

That’s my life now.

I say “now”, which made me laugh to myself and earned a confused look from my sister across the room. It’s been two years. It’s strange really, it seems like a very short space of time, but an extremely long one too. I can’t imagine existence any other way. I can’t remember living for myself.

Well this is getting rather depressing to read I imagine!

I’ll finish on a lighter note – I’m seeing my midwife for the first time ever on Friday, it’s scary and incredibly exciting at the same time. And before the end of the year, my “living for someone else” existence will change dramatically. From him to midge.

“Midge” is the name I’ve unwittingly given to my unborn baby, not sure where it came from, but it’s stuck.