Born 26th October 2014 at 00:56
Weighing 8lb exactly
Born 26th October 2014 at 00:56
Weighing 8lb exactly
(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)
Everything keeps changing! It’s really annoying me now. After I got back from Paul’s, me and my mum went shopping to get my hospital bag ready for when I go in to be induced, we got almost everything we needed (with what limited shops were open on a Sunday). Then I went to my appointment on Monday to check my blood pressure again and speak to a doctor. They checked my blood pressure and it was fine, so they basically told me to just go home! I insisted that a doctor had told me I was going to be induced this week and that they’d speak to me about it, so the midwife went and phoned whichever doctor was available and then came back and said that because my blood pressure isn’t high anymore, there shouldn’t be a reason to induce me, but that she’s booked me an appointment on Thursday to speak to a doctor and get a final decision. So I went home a bit annoyed.
My mum wasn’t happy either, it’s confusing because I understand that now my blood pressure is low which is good, but the last doctor told me that it was “fluctuating” and better for Charlie to come out. The midwife said that induction isn’t what I want anyway, because it’s more likely to end in an assisted birth or an emergency C-section, and that the labour itself tends to be longer and more painful. So we decided to just wait until Thursday and see what the doctor says.
We went to the last Ante-Natal Class on Tuesday which was good as always, learnt quite a bit about breastfeeding, and the midwife said that it should be alright using bottles as well as breastfeeding once “breastfeeding has been established”, which is good. It’ll be a lot better for everyone if other people can feed Charlie too, I can always express milk and then Paul, my mum or whoever else can feed him if I’m having a rest or something. They’ve both said they’d like to feed him anyway, whether I’m resting or not haha. We have an actual breastfeeding class next week so hopefully that’ll educate us properly.
So we went to see the doctor on Thursday, which was a massive let down. He checked my blood pressure once, said it was fine and wanted to send me home! My mum asked loads of questions and we told him all the things the other doctor had told us, but he just kind of dismissed it all and said that my blood pressure isn’t high now, and that’s all that matters, they won’t induce someone with no reason. Because I kept saying “fluctuating”, he decided to make me yet another appointment to have it checked yet again on Saturday. Obviously by this time I was getting more annoyed and frustrated by the whole situation. Everyone telling me different things and dragging me to the hospital every other day.
This time I was at triage being checked, they took us into a room and literally didn’t come back for 2 hours. They must of been really busy, which is understandable, but 2 hours just to take a blood pressure is a bit excessive. I’m sounding very angry on this post aren’t I? Haha, I was just worried about Charlie being alright. So eventually they checked my pressure and urine, and it was high and had protein in…in that order…so they decided to hook me up onto the machine again, monitoring Charlie’s heartbeat, movement, my blood pressure and pulse all at the same time. Because my blood pressure was gradually getting higher they decided to keep me overnight again. They took more blood and gave me a pill for blood pressure.
The night was pretty uneventful, they checked again every 4 hours like last time and it was low every time. Obviously fluctuating again. They put me back on the monitor in the morning and that was all fine too. When the midwife came in to do my last checks we had a chat about it. I told her how confused and frustrated I was about the whole situation and she tried to explain it to me. Basically, my blood pressure tends not to affect anything else, so it’s just hypertension and not preeclampsia. Hypertension can’t affect Charlie, whereas preeclampsia can. If my blood pressure rose and then stayed high, it would be developing into preeclampsia, but mine has always rose and then gone back down again, which is fine apparently. The reason they keep bringing me back in is to make sure it’s not rising, and if it does rise, they keep me overnight to make sure it doesn’t continue to rise…and it always ends up going down again. She said that even though Charlie is now 37 weeks, and classed as fully term and ready to come out, my body isn’t ready for labour. If they induce me early, when I’m not prepared for it, it could cause complications that could potentially be bad for Charlie and me, so what they rather do, is keep monitoring me until hopefully I go into labour naturally. She said it’s kind of a balancing act getting it right and knowing when to act and when to just be aware.
So that made me feel a lot better, like someone had finally actually explained the situation. Even though it’s annoying having to come to hospital so often and nothing happening, it’s actually better for Charlie and me this way. So when the doctor came to discharge me and say that I have to come back in again every other day until I give birth, I was fine with it. My mum had been texting me telling me to be assertive and demand to be induced because I didn’t want Charlie at risk, and I was all ready to do it until the midwife eased my mind. It’s not going to be fun, it’s going to be annoying and tiring…but whatever is best for Charlie, I will do, no matter what.
On a lighter note (needed on this post!) Paul gave his mum my number so she can contact me and make sure me and Charlie are alright. She’s been texting quite a bit checking on me, and she’s actually really funny. It’s nice talking to her, she’s genuinely concerned and really excited about Charlie coming soon. It’s obvious from all the little hints that she drops that she really wants me to get back with Paul and move there. You can’t blame her I guess, Charlie will be her grandson after all. She said that the bigger your feet are, the easier labour will be for you haha. These funny old wives tales!
(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)
I read that Charlie will be growing about half a pound a week now, and I can tell! It’s had to explain how it feels, I suppose only other pregnant women or women that have had children would understand, but it’s like you can literally feel the weight of him and it’s just getting heavier and heavier. It’s times like when I’m in bed and it takes me more time that usual just to roll over onto my other side, and getting out of a chair.
I’m a bit more chilled out this week than I have been. I was starting to panic about how little time I have left and how I have bought nothing yet! I mean, I have clothes and small things…but no pram or cot or anything! I’ve applied for a Sure Start Maternity Grant that we can get here, and I got a letter today saying that I’m getting the £500 on Monday! So exciting! I’ve already got my shopping lists ready online, with all the deals I can get since all the supermarkets have Baby Events on right now. So I should be able to get my pram, cot and mattress with that money and still have quite a bit left over!
I’ve been a bit ill again though, on a down note. It’s made me really nervous because my midwife told me it’s common to get ill at the end like you do at the beginning, but remembering how I was at the beginning makes me scared about it! I can’t cope with being that ill again, it was unrelenting and exhausting, I’m already knackered nowadays with little energy, so I really hope it’s just a little bug I’ve got that will pass in a few days time.
I went to Paul’s last night. It was strange seeing him again after so long, but we got back into our old routine quite quickly and I think because we know each other so well and we’re both quite similar, we got along fine. The whole point was that he could feel Charlie kicking but typically, Charlie didn’t move! He wriggles around loads every night but last night he just stayed still. It really bugged me because I feel like if Paul doesn’t feel him, he won’t bond or something. Is that stupid? I don’t know.
Anyway, hopefully next time I write, I’ll have bought all the essentials for Charlie, and I have a midwife appointment next week where we go over the Birth Plan…so that should be interesting…or terrifying. Probably both. It’s always both nowadays.
(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)
It’s been a pretty quiet week. I can feel Charlie getting bigger literally by the day. Things like needing to go to the bathroom more and more often, and my clothes being a little more restricted. When I lie on my back I can feel him heavy on my stomach, it’s really strange. The movements are more obvious now too, I can see him moving every night when I lie down. I always thought it would seem crazy or scary, but it just feels sort of natural, which is nice.
I didn’t end up going to Paul’s. I kind of get bored of talking about constant arguments between us, so I won’t bother haha. It’ll be fine when Charlie’s here, I just keep telling myself that. I have more immediate issues annoying me at the moment anyway, like killer heartburn and backache! So I don’t have time for silly little disputes.
I went to Liverpool with my mum and Emily on Monday which was really good! We mainly went to spend Emily’s birthday money…well, to let her spend it! We just followed her around most of the day but it was fun. We had to make a lot more bathroom breaks than normal too. At one point I was in a queue waiting and the old lady in front of my turned around, noticed I’m pregnant, and said “oh you go in front of me, dear!” Which caused a ripple effect and I ended up at the very front! Pregnancy definately has it’s perks!
I got Charlie a little teddy blanket thing from the Disney Store. It’s Scamp’s head (from Lady and the Tramp 2) attached to a really soft little blanket type thing. I don’t know what they’re actually called…but it was on sale and only like £4! Also, on the train home, Charlie started kicking loads so my mum was trying to feel him, but every time she put her hand on me he stopped, like he knew. So when I felt him kicking, I put my mums hand over mine and then slid mine out quickly so he couldn’t tell! Felt well sly haha. But my mum felt it and got all teary, which made me all teary, typical.
I put all of Charlie’s clothes in a chest of drawers at the weekend too. It’s mad how many he’s got! More than me already! I filled he entire 5 drawers and still had an overflowing bag leftover! They’re all so cute though! I can’t wait to dress him in them and see what suits him and just see HIM! Exciting times! :-D
It’s been a nice week! Quite chilled but fun too. My grandad and my stepdads parents came over for Emily’s birthday buffet. Andy’s mum is knitting cardigans for Charlie and her grandsons daughter whose also due in October. She was saying how she needs some buttons, so I got the button tin from my room. It was my grans, if she ever threw clothes away, she’d take the buttons off and put them in this tin, and she’d bought quite a few too. It’s an old fashioned circular biscuit tin and it’s totally full of every button you can imagine. I used to love looking through them all when I was small and when my gran passed away last year, it was the first thing my grandad gave me. So now when Charlie’s here, I’ll have a cardigan knitted by Andy’s mum with my grans buttons on. I think that sounds so lovely, and definitely something to keep always.
Me and my mum went to look at baby stuff, which was really good! We went to Mothercare, Mamas & Papas and Babies R Us. After checking out all the different prams, we found the perfect one. It’s lovely and black and red, it’s big but not too big to comfortably walk around shops with, and it turns into a pushchair for when Charlie grows a bit. It was £400 in Mothercare, but when I got home I looked online and Boots have a Baby Event going on until the middle of next month and the pram I want is on sale for £233!! I couldn’t believe it! So as soon as I get some money I’m getting it from there, so exciting! We also saw a few “compact cots” which are just the same as normal cots, can hold a baby for the same amount of time, but are designed for smaller rooms which is ideal for me! Found a few bargains for them online too. Online shopping is awesome.
Saw my midwife today. I told my mum that she could come in with me to hear the heartbeat this time. It look my midwife quite a while to find his heartbeat, she said my placenta was in the way. My mum thought it was pretty amazing once we could hear it though. Next time I see her, we’re talking about my birth plan! I can’t believe how close that seems! I don’t really have any preferences, I don’t think. I know I want to use gas and air as relief. I’ve nothing against having an epidural, but only as a last option I think. Only if I can’t go any longer without it.
I’m going to see Paul tomorrow. It’ll be the first time in months that we’ve seen each other. Giving him his birthday present and hopefully he’ll be able to feel Charlie kick at some point while I’m there. I think seeing me with a big baby bump will kind of surprise him. I’ve kept him as involved as I can, and the whole thing has sunk in now…but I think seeing me all pregnant will have an effect on him. I hope so anyway. Could be awkward, but it will probably be fine. I’m looking forward to seeing him feel Charlie for the first time anyway.
I write, but I’m not a writer
I pretend, but I’m not a faker
I lash out, but I’m not a fighter
I cook, but I’m not a baker
I draw, but I’m not an artist
I educate, but I’m not a teacher
I’m clever, but I’m not the smartest
I preach, but I’m not a preacher
I’m brave, but I’m not unafraid
I adore, but I’m not a lover
I clean, but I’m not a maid
I’m pregnant – so soon I will ALWAYS be a mother
– Sleepless nights leading to mental and physical exhaustion
– Loss of freedom
– Not enough time in a day
– Constant stress or worry
– A responsibility greater than you’ve ever had before
– Hardly any time to yourself
– Making difficult decisions
– Sometimes having to be the bad guy
– Having a house that looks more like a playroom than a home
– Not being able to remember the last thing you bought for yourself
– Having to grow eyes in the back of your head
– Doubting yourself daily
– Struggling to cope
– Making sacrifices you’ve never had to make before
– Not being able to enjoy a rare night out without worrying about your baby
– Everything changes
– Experiencing an unexplainable love and devotion that nothing else could compare with and makes everything else totally worthwhile
What if he doesn’t like me?
Those little kicks from within
that get stronger by the day,
giving such comfort that he
is safe and sound, have been
the only thing that could portray
whatever his feelings may be
for a woman whose life will begin
when he enters the world to stay.
What if I am not good enough?
The constant and unyielding care
that he will need, my whole life now
entirely dedicated to him, above
anything and everything, no spare
moments for selfishness, I wonder how
I will find the patience, the love,
the unrelenting maternal instincts to share,
I hope I surprise myself somehow.
What if I am just a bad mum?
The balance of love and kindness,
discipline and anger, how will I know
when to fight or when to succumb,
when to let it go and not stress,
without hitting an all time low
and being wrapped around his thumb
wondering if more really is less,
desperately trying not to let fear show.
It’s been a busy week! I saw my midwife on Friday, well, my midwife was actually on holiday, so I saw another one, but she was lovely. I heard Charlie’s heartbeat again and recorded it on my phone this time to send to Paul, which he was happy with. She felt my belly and pushed and squeezed it all over and was like “there’s his head…back…bum…legs…” I was amazed! How do they know that? I suppose it must be the training they get, because I tried it when I got home and could feel naff all!
My stepbrothers, their girlfriends and their nephew (my stepdads grandson) came over on Sunday, which was quite nice. Despite sitting on the sofa next to two skinny and good looking girls while I feel huge and round at the moment! They love Tessy too, it’s impossible not to! I was washing up yesterday and she stood at my feet staring up at me, crying, until I picked her up for a cuddle. When I put her down again to carry on washing up, she did the same, and I gave in…again! Paul said if I can’t even ignore a puppy whining, I’ll never be able to do it with Charlie…
I had my hospital appointment on Monday. We were there about 3 hours all together. Had to wait about 40 minutes to even be seen! Had 3 lots of blood taken, one to check my iron levels, one to check for anaemia, and one to check blood sugar levels. Then I had to drink a bottle of Lucozade as fast as possible, which is harder than you’d think! It didn’t help that my mum sat there telling me to drink it quicker the whole time either! Then the lady told us I have to wait 2 hours in the waiting room, I wasn’t even allowed to have a walk or anything because it would use energy, and they need to see how my body absorbs the glucose all on it’s own. It actually went quicker than we thought, me and mum just chatted the entire time. It was nice. When we went back in, I had my Anti-D (for the Rhesus Negative blood, to protect Charlie incase his blood is Positive) and the second blood sample to get sent off. If it shows that the glucose hasn’t been absorbed properly it means I’ve got some kind of diabetes, but it’s only during pregnancy, and apparently it’s quite common. So nothing to worry about.
Tuesday was my mums birthday, which was mega busy! We got up and gave her presents and then we nipped to town to buy some paint for my sisters bedroom. A trip to town that ended up lasting over 2 hours! I got a dress too, which I’m quite happy with. It really makes my bump look amazing and makes me feel amazing. Then we had to rush home to have lunch before I dropped my mum, sister and niece at the theatre to watch The Gruffalo while I went to the doctors with my other sister. I had my Whooping Cough vaccine, which was painless. The nurse was lovely, she was asking about if the baby was planned and I told her I’d never expected to have children after being told I couldn’t, and she really gushed about it. She said it’s really lovely to hear an amazing story like mine when she normally hears less happy ones. I suppose mine does sound nice to people, I should keep that in mind when I’m feeling low. As soon as that was done we picked the others up and rushed home to get ready for a meal out with grandad. Which was really lovely despite him having a go at the staff for getting our reservation wrong. My mum was embarrassed but I thought it was pretty funny actually.
I think that’s pretty much everything covered now from this week. My arm is aching from the vaccine now, and has been for a few days, but that’s probably normal too. I don’t want to complain about it too much because the nurse said it’s the same one they give to 5 year olds! So if they can handle it…I can!
(image curtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)
Each week goes by so much quicker than the last nowadays! I used to feel like I was waiting to be another week gone, now it’s happening before I even realise it. I’ve started looking around my room to see how things will change. I need to find space for a cot in there and it’s only a tiny space anyway. It’s going to be a tight squeeze. I’ll only be staying at home until I’m totally comfortable taking care of Charlie alone though, then I’ll get my own place nearby, like my sister and niece.
Charlie seems to respond to music now! I downloaded Spotify on my iPad so that me and my youngest sister could listen to Ed Sheerans new album for free (we love him!). I had the iPad on my knee so the speakers were against my bump. We listened to Ed Sheeran then a bit of Bob Marley and Eminem while we were browsing, then I found a Ska playlist. This is when Charlie started moving around like crazy! I changed it to acoustic and Charlie stopped, so I put Ska back on and he carried on moving! I like to think he was dancing. Paul said “good lad” because he’s a big Ska fan too.
Speaking of Paul, he seems to be getting a bit down about how little he’ll see Charlie in the future since he lives a while away. We were joking about discipline and stuff and I said I wonder who Charlie will like more, as a laugh. But Paul just said he’ll like me more than “the random guy he has to see every other weekend and be away from all his mates not having fun.” Which was quite upsetting. I tried to make him feel better, I said we will try and get together as much as we can and that with Skype and video chats it’s not like they’ll never see each other during the week.
Maybe when the time comes, and he realises how much more he wants to see his son, he will just move closer to us. I’m not bringing it up again, it just causes arguments between us. I just hope he ends up seeing that his son is more important than living near his parents in Wrexham. Who knows.
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