35 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

So excitement is slowly shifting to nerves now. It doesn’t just feel like regular excitable nerves either, I feel pretty terrified. I read this weeks Emma’s Diary, that said Charlie is now pretty much ready to come out. He has everything he needs and the last few weeks are just to gain some weight before he comes. Plus, my pregnant friend Laura is being induced tomorrow! She was always having her baby in October like me, due 2 weeks before me. Now she’s having her daughter! She’s had to have her early because some of her late scans have shown that the baby isn’t grown as she should be, so they think it’s safer to bring her a couple weeks early. Hopefully everything will be fine with them both. It’s just made me realise how close it is and how real it is.

I was talking to Paul about it too, he tried to reassure me that it’s not just me that doesn’t feel ready, he doesn’t either. He seems more worried about what things will be like when Charlie’s here. It’s a shame that there’s such a distance between us, that’s the only real issue. We’ve agreed that I’ll be driving to his every weekend and staying over with Charlie, and that Paul will just pay for the petrol and the weekend, rather than actually pay me maintenance for Charlie. He will be struggling a lot with money I think. People keep saying to me “well that’s his problem” and that I should still make him give me money. I think spending time with his son is more important though. If he paid maintenance he probably wouldn’t be able to afford the weekends…and I’m sure Charlie would rather spend time with his dad than know his dad gave me money for stuff. I guess we’ll just see.

On a lighter note, I met up with an old college friend, Amy, this week, which has been really nice. We haven’t seen each other for years, but we still text and talk on Facebook quite a lot, and seeing each other just made it all go back to how it was before, so not at all awkward. We went out for lunch one day and went the cinema a couple days later. She used to live quite far away but she’s recently moved to my town to live with her boyfriend, so it’s hide that we can catch up. When I first saw her she couldn’t stop staring at my bump, which made me laugh.

Speaking of my bump, life is becoming more and more uncomfortable! Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling Charlie moving around and letting me know he’s fine, but when he stretches out into my ribs and my bladder at the same time…it gets a bit tricky. Sometimes I sit there thinking “please just go to sleep!”, I suppose it will just prepare me for when he’s here! Haha.

I’m off to a party tonight, my mums friends 40th. I won’t know many people but it should still be a nice night with my family, especially since I haven’t been out much recently! Then I’m having the second Birth Plan meeting with my midwife on Tuesday as well as my second Antenatal Class on Tuesday evening! Fun times.

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Worries of a Mother-to-be

What if he doesn’t like me?
Those little kicks from within
that get stronger by the day,
giving such comfort that he
is safe and sound, have been
the only thing that could portray
whatever his feelings may be
for a woman whose life will begin
when he enters the world to stay.

What if I am not good enough?
The constant and unyielding care
that he will need, my whole life now
entirely dedicated to him, above
anything and everything, no spare
moments for selfishness, I wonder how
I will find the patience, the love,
the unrelenting maternal instincts to share,
I hope I surprise myself somehow.

What if I am just a bad mum?
The balance of love and kindness,
discipline and anger, how will I know
when to fight or when to succumb,
when to let it go and not stress,
without hitting an all time low
and being wrapped around his thumb
wondering if more really is less,
desperately trying not to let fear show.

27 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com)

Apparently not only can Charlie now blink his eyes, he can also “sniff out” my breast milk from other women’s breast milk! How is that possible from inside me anyway? And what is the use? It made me laugh, like at some point I’d try to trick him into drinking someone else’s milk and he’ll be like “this is unacceptable mother!” I still don’t know how I’ll be with breast feeding. At the moment I feel like I really want to try it and hope it goes alright, but I don’t think any of the women in my family have ever managed to do it. Not sure if it’s genetic or not.

Still feeling him moving around all the time, a bit more during the day too. It used to just be really early in the morning and late at night, but now he’s a bit more active around 2pm too. It’s funny how he’s got a little routine. Must be the times I’m most relaxed.

My cousin and his wife had their daughter! She looks beautiful and she’s nice and healthy. We’re going to see them next week at some point I think, which is exciting. I’m not sure how I’ll be though. I can imagine them passing her to me and everyone watching me, to see how I am with a baby, since I’ve not had much to do with one since my sister was born 15 years ago…so could be awkward.

Also, they’ve said that she had a really bad birth. Not sure what that means exactly, but it was 31 hours long and she refused any pictures to be taken for the first few days afterwards. Lots of things are making me nervous about the birth now.

Me and my mum have been watching a new show called Nine Months Later. The latest episode was about the first couple of weeks being home with a baby. It follows about 5 couples and we just see how it was for each of them, they all say the same thing really. That it’s amazing and wonderful but at the same time it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done and has really affected their entire lives, not always in a positive way. More nerves…

16 Weeks Pregnant

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(image courtesy of http://www.yourbabylibrary.com/)

My little Midge is now the size of an avocado apparently! I have to admit I don’t even know what an avocado looks like let alone how big it is…but he/she is about 5 inches (12cm) long and weighs around 3.5 ounces (100g). Emma’s Diary says that the eyes and ears are now almost in the right places on Midge’s head and he/she has tiny little ears that can pick up sounds and hear what I’m saying!

Reading that makes me want to talk to my belly, but I feel a bit silly doing that if I’m honest. I don’t have a bump yet because there’s a bit of belly that needs to be overtaken by the baby. I can apparently start feeling the baby move now too. It says that most first time mothers won’t recognise the fluttering feelings as the baby moving around, but that in a few weeks time it’ll be much more obvious, so I’ve been really concentrating on that area trying to feel anything at all!

Mine and Paul’s money budgeting didn’t go amazingly well, we could live together but it would be tight every month, so we can’t decide what to do really. I want to be there sooner rather than later because I don’t want him to miss out on anything, I want to be with him when I can feel our baby moving and I want him to be a part of everything. I understand it’s different for him, because all these changes and feelings are just within me and he’s a bit left out, so I want him there to at least share the experience with me.

Luckily this week I’ve felt a lot better, less tired and a bit more lively. This part of the pregnancy is supposed to be the “feel good” bit, with glowing skin and beautiful hair, so fingers crossed I get that effect from it!

Pregnant and Paranoid

I suppose it’s totally normal to be nervous before a scan? I’ll be 13 weeks on Wednesday, the scan is on Thursday. Even though I’ve had 2 already that showed the baby was wonderfully well (and enough morning sickness, going off foods, heartburn and emotional depravity to last a lifetime! Which I also suppose is totally normal in pregnancy), I can’t stop panicking.

I worry that after a nerve wrenching few minutes of the nurse pushing the scanner into my bladder (that they insist must be full for the duration of the scan, no doubt so you’re forced to put all those pelvic floor exercises that they recommend so highly into practice), she will turn to me saying “There is no baby! Get out of this clinic and stop wasting our time!” or even worse, that something has gone terribly wrong.

I find myself paying much more attention to all the little things I do each day. The things that come naturally now seem very important. I get paranoid about the way that I’m sitting, where my legs are, whether they’re crossed or not. I won’t lie on my front anymore when I’m in bed, I don’t have a bump, but my mind won’t let me rest that way guilt-free. Regardless of the fact that little midge is only about 2.5 inches long, and I’m sure very little would affect him/her on the physical side of things, I just can’t stop considering everything. That’s normal, right?

Maybe it’s just because I never expected this to happen. After being told the chances of you having children are slim-to-none, you kind of live your life a little differently. It’s easier to be selfish and to indulge. I’m not naturally maternal. I wonder if I would be if the opportunity for children was more open to me? It’s all very different now though, the way I think has altered.

I hope more than anything that I am a mother midge can depend on, turn to and trust (I won’t say a “good mother”, because what is a good mother? Everybody makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and I expect to make many of them, and probably often. All I wish is that the way I deal with those mistakes is in a way that would bring us closer together).

Despite the nervousness, I am terribly excited too, I can’t wait to see my little baby on the screen again, see the tiny heart beating. It’s all rather confusing to me. Wish me luck!

“Midge” is the name I’ve unwittingly given to my unborn baby, not sure where it came from, but it’s stuck.