I started as One

Individual, Lone, Singular

We met and became Two

Partners, Companions, Soulmates

Then our Two turned into Three





Worries of a Mother-to-be

What if he doesn’t like me?
Those little kicks from within
that get stronger by the day,
giving such comfort that he
is safe and sound, have been
the only thing that could portray
whatever his feelings may be
for a woman whose life will begin
when he enters the world to stay.

What if I am not good enough?
The constant and unyielding care
that he will need, my whole life now
entirely dedicated to him, above
anything and everything, no spare
moments for selfishness, I wonder how
I will find the patience, the love,
the unrelenting maternal instincts to share,
I hope I surprise myself somehow.

What if I am just a bad mum?
The balance of love and kindness,
discipline and anger, how will I know
when to fight or when to succumb,
when to let it go and not stress,
without hitting an all time low
and being wrapped around his thumb
wondering if more really is less,
desperately trying not to let fear show.

29 Weeks Pregnant

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It’s been a busy week! I saw my midwife on Friday, well, my midwife was actually on holiday, so I saw another one, but she was lovely. I heard Charlie’s heartbeat again and recorded it on my phone this time to send to Paul, which he was happy with. She felt my belly and pushed and squeezed it all over and was like “there’s his head…back…bum…legs…” I was amazed! How do they know that? I suppose it must be the training they get, because I tried it when I got home and could feel naff all!

My stepbrothers, their girlfriends and their nephew (my stepdads grandson) came over on Sunday, which was quite nice. Despite sitting on the sofa next to two skinny and good looking girls while I feel huge and round at the moment! They love Tessy too, it’s impossible not to! I was washing up yesterday and she stood at my feet staring up at me, crying, until I picked her up for a cuddle. When I put her down again to carry on washing up, she did the same, and I gave in…again! Paul said if I can’t even ignore a puppy whining, I’ll never be able to do it with Charlie…

I had my hospital appointment on Monday. We were there about 3 hours all together. Had to wait about 40 minutes to even be seen! Had 3 lots of blood taken, one to check my iron levels, one to check for anaemia, and one to check blood sugar levels. Then I had to drink a bottle of Lucozade as fast as possible, which is harder than you’d think! It didn’t help that my mum sat there telling me to drink it quicker the whole time either! Then the lady told us I have to wait 2 hours in the waiting room, I wasn’t even allowed to have a walk or anything because it would use energy, and they need to see how my body absorbs the glucose all on it’s own. It actually went quicker than we thought, me and mum just chatted the entire time. It was nice. When we went back in, I had my Anti-D (for the Rhesus Negative blood, to protect Charlie incase his blood is Positive) and the second blood sample to get sent off. If it shows that the glucose hasn’t been absorbed properly it means I’ve got some kind of diabetes, but it’s only during pregnancy, and apparently it’s quite common. So nothing to worry about.

Tuesday was my mums birthday, which was mega busy! We got up and gave her presents and then we nipped to town to buy some paint for my sisters bedroom. A trip to town that ended up lasting over 2 hours! I got a dress too, which I’m quite happy with. It really makes my bump look amazing and makes me feel amazing. Then we had to rush home to have lunch before I dropped my mum, sister and niece at the theatre to watch The Gruffalo while I went to the doctors with my other sister. I had my Whooping Cough vaccine, which was painless. The nurse was lovely, she was asking about if the baby was planned and I told her I’d never expected to have children after being told I couldn’t, and she really gushed about it. She said it’s really lovely to hear an amazing story like mine when she normally hears less happy ones. I suppose mine does sound nice to people, I should keep that in mind when I’m feeling low. As soon as that was done we picked the others up and rushed home to get ready for a meal out with grandad. Which was really lovely despite him having a go at the staff for getting our reservation wrong. My mum was embarrassed but I thought it was pretty funny actually.

I think that’s pretty much everything covered now from this week. My arm is aching from the vaccine now, and has been for a few days, but that’s probably normal too. I don’t want to complain about it too much because the nurse said it’s the same one they give to 5 year olds! So if they can handle it…I can!

27 Weeks Pregnant

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Apparently not only can Charlie now blink his eyes, he can also “sniff out” my breast milk from other women’s breast milk! How is that possible from inside me anyway? And what is the use? It made me laugh, like at some point I’d try to trick him into drinking someone else’s milk and he’ll be like “this is unacceptable mother!” I still don’t know how I’ll be with breast feeding. At the moment I feel like I really want to try it and hope it goes alright, but I don’t think any of the women in my family have ever managed to do it. Not sure if it’s genetic or not.

Still feeling him moving around all the time, a bit more during the day too. It used to just be really early in the morning and late at night, but now he’s a bit more active around 2pm too. It’s funny how he’s got a little routine. Must be the times I’m most relaxed.

My cousin and his wife had their daughter! She looks beautiful and she’s nice and healthy. We’re going to see them next week at some point I think, which is exciting. I’m not sure how I’ll be though. I can imagine them passing her to me and everyone watching me, to see how I am with a baby, since I’ve not had much to do with one since my sister was born 15 years ago…so could be awkward.

Also, they’ve said that she had a really bad birth. Not sure what that means exactly, but it was 31 hours long and she refused any pictures to be taken for the first few days afterwards. Lots of things are making me nervous about the birth now.

Me and my mum have been watching a new show called Nine Months Later. The latest episode was about the first couple of weeks being home with a baby. It follows about 5 couples and we just see how it was for each of them, they all say the same thing really. That it’s amazing and wonderful but at the same time it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done and has really affected their entire lives, not always in a positive way. More nerves…

25 Weeks Pregnant

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I’m so glad that I’m feeling Charlie move more and more nowadays. It’s not little movements that make me question whether it could be him or just normal body feelings, it’s definite kicks and wriggles! According to Emma’s Diary, you might be able to hear his heartbeat now, if you put your ear against my stomach, haven’t tried it because I don’t like the idea of someone squashing their heads against me…maybe that’s just me being weird.

I’m getting more and more excited about what he’ll look like, what colour hair and eyes he’ll have, how big he’ll be…all of it! My usual dark and worrying dreams (I’m told it’s normal to have these dreams during pregnancy) have been swapped with lovely ones. The other morning I woke up smiling after a dream about just holding Charlie in my arms reading The Night Before Christmas poem to him. I can’t wait to dress him up as Santa and reindeer and a snowman and an elf! I love Christmas…can you tell?

My cousins wife was due on 5th of July and so far there’s no sign of her little girl coming any time soon! She’ll be induced on the 17th if nothing happens before then. So I worked out that if Charlie is late, I’d be induced on the 3rd of November (he’s due on 22nd of October). I really hope I don’t have to wait that long though, I’ve gotten used to the idea of him coming in October!

Me, my mum and my sister Cat took my niece Chloe to school today, she’s there for about an hour just to meet her new classmates and get used to the building for when she starts there in September. It got me and my mum talking about Charlie going to school and how I hope he’s not a chav and hope he doesn’t want a shaved head and things like that. My mum says I won’t be able to control what he wants or likes. I just hope the way I bring him up makes him less likely to become like some of the children round here. I will not have a chav for a son!

Not much else to say this week. I have my midwife appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be stuff about that next week! Hope I get to hear his heartbeat…

24 Weeks Pregnant

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Each week goes by so much quicker than the last nowadays! I used to feel like I was waiting to be another week gone, now it’s happening before I even realise it. I’ve started looking around my room to see how things will change. I need to find space for a cot in there and it’s only a tiny space anyway. It’s going to be a tight squeeze. I’ll only be staying at home until I’m totally comfortable taking care of Charlie alone though, then I’ll get my own place nearby, like my sister and niece.

Charlie seems to respond to music now! I downloaded Spotify on my iPad so that me and my youngest sister could listen to Ed Sheerans new album for free (we love him!). I had the iPad on my knee so the speakers were against my bump. We listened to Ed Sheeran then a bit of Bob Marley and Eminem while we were browsing, then I found a Ska playlist. This is when Charlie started moving around like crazy! I changed it to acoustic and Charlie stopped, so I put Ska back on and he carried on moving! I like to think he was dancing. Paul said “good lad” because he’s a big Ska fan too.

Speaking of Paul, he seems to be getting a bit down about how little he’ll see Charlie in the future since he lives a while away. We were joking about discipline and stuff and I said I wonder who Charlie will like more, as a laugh. But Paul just said he’ll like me more than “the random guy he has to see every other weekend and be away from all his mates not having fun.” Which was quite upsetting. I tried to make him feel better, I said we will try and get together as much as we can and that with Skype and video chats it’s not like they’ll never see each other during the week.

Maybe when the time comes, and he realises how much more he wants to see his son, he will just move closer to us. I’m not bringing it up again, it just causes arguments between us. I just hope he ends up seeing that his son is more important than living near his parents in Wrexham. Who knows.

23 Weeks Pregnant

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I swear Charlie is nocturnal! I hardly feel any movement during the day, as soon as I get into bed and snuggle down to sleep he starts punching and kicking me! It still feels quite faint at the moment, but it’s definitely him. My bumps getting bigger all the time and I’m loving my new leggings, they’re so comfy! Just makes me wonder why I haven’t worn maternity clothes all my life, I’ve been missing out!

Had another quiet week, mostly played Assassin’s Creed and eaten. My appetite is ridiculous. Everything I’ve read says it starts going up now, but I had no idea it’d be this extreme. I’ve always been a big eater anyway, but I’m eating more than I ever thought possible and still feeling hungry afterwards! Everything says that pregnant women shouldn’t “eat for two” but I can understand why they do. It’s not just greed, it’s hunger! It’s difficult to not eat when you feel like you’re starving.

Had a nice day on Monday, my niece is starting school in September and one of her teachers were coming for a home visit to meet her and my sister and just kind of have a little introduction. My sister moved in not long before Christmas, so we haven’t done anything with the garden, but now it’s getting sunny and it grew up to my waist! So my dad came down with his strimmer and me and my mum and stepdad did other parts of the garden and sorted the house out. After my stepdad had gone to work, it was just me, my mum and my dad. It was strangely nice. They’ve been separated since I was young, I barely remember them being together. So seeing them working together and chatting about funny things that they got up to years ago was a nice experience for me.

Also started watching One Born Every Minute with my mum on Wednesday nights, I’ve never been interested before, but I am now! Luckily none of the women I’ve seen seem to suffer all that much, so it’s not a traumatising watch, thank god! Emotional though, me and mum are tearing up the whole hour that it’s on! Who knows what I’ll be like when I go into labour…

16 Weeks Pregnant

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My little Midge is now the size of an avocado apparently! I have to admit I don’t even know what an avocado looks like let alone how big it is…but he/she is about 5 inches (12cm) long and weighs around 3.5 ounces (100g). Emma’s Diary says that the eyes and ears are now almost in the right places on Midge’s head and he/she has tiny little ears that can pick up sounds and hear what I’m saying!

Reading that makes me want to talk to my belly, but I feel a bit silly doing that if I’m honest. I don’t have a bump yet because there’s a bit of belly that needs to be overtaken by the baby. I can apparently start feeling the baby move now too. It says that most first time mothers won’t recognise the fluttering feelings as the baby moving around, but that in a few weeks time it’ll be much more obvious, so I’ve been really concentrating on that area trying to feel anything at all!

Mine and Paul’s money budgeting didn’t go amazingly well, we could live together but it would be tight every month, so we can’t decide what to do really. I want to be there sooner rather than later because I don’t want him to miss out on anything, I want to be with him when I can feel our baby moving and I want him to be a part of everything. I understand it’s different for him, because all these changes and feelings are just within me and he’s a bit left out, so I want him there to at least share the experience with me.

Luckily this week I’ve felt a lot better, less tired and a bit more lively. This part of the pregnancy is supposed to be the “feel good” bit, with glowing skin and beautiful hair, so fingers crossed I get that effect from it!